To Do List

I tend to lose focus on things I need to do for myself. So ever so often I need to remind myself. Here goes!

1.  Stop reading EveryBodyElses damn blog every single day.
2.  Write on your own blogs more often.
3.  Take 30 minutes for yourself EVERYDAY.
4.  Go to church.
5.  Trim your split ends.
6.  Finish Work on one of your projects.
7.  Make a date with Mr Angie (get a baby-sitter)

That's enough.

Make it Clap for Me!!!!

Everybody wants to feel valued and understood. Some of us need it more than others. I think they call it "high maintenance." I need my gifts and talents acknowledged on a regular basis.....always have. When I don't get that "stroke", I start to feel kinda antsy. Not in a nervous way, in a "let me do this trick in front of a new audience kind of way."  I'm a sucker for applause, what can I say.

Well my present audience members care more about getting their shitty diapers changed, having clean uniforms for work, and living  with their boyfriends. Baby Beaux, Mr. Angie, and MyKiddo.

 Well yesterday a friend of mine clapped for me. He was entertained by something I wrote and he texted me to say so. That one atta-girl helped me remember I'm more than a diaper changer, a uniform washer etc.

Thank you Lone Clapper......you have always managed to remind me of who I am.

Family Edited

I'm starting to write about things that I've wanted to write about for a long time , and it feels good. That is until I go back and read what I've written - and try to decide what to do with it. I love to write, but I'm still learning. I'd like to be a published author. But, there are some downsides to letting other people read your writing.

I saw Tyler Perry on the Oprah show a while back. He exposed physical and sexual abuses he suffered as a child. He said he didn't want to speak about it in depth publicly until after his mother. She had died the year before the interview so he felt free to speak about his abuse. That's such a heavy burden to bare.

Do I have to wait until my friends and relatives are dead before I can freely write about situations in my life that involved them. do I have to let my mom and dad edit my writing before I air our dirty laundry? Do I just change the names and places and let the chips fall? How do people who write about thier lives deal with this?

After the Rain.......

Yesterday, while driving home from the doctors office, I had a major breakdown. One of those boo-hoo, tears and snot breakdowns. My eyes were left red and puffy and my nose was raw and tender. It was all I could do to just to drive home.

I didn't get any horrible news from the doctor, just a litany of tests and new appointment. I wasn't the Dr's visit on it's on that caused the breakdown. It was just the last straw. This emotional break down had been building for a while now. I think it started with my birthday last month. I have never felt old. Ever! Thirty years old, no problem. Forty years old, no problem. Forty-four years old, problem!

I even spent all of my 42nd year thinking I was 43 (long story for another time) and that didn't bother me. But, forty-four has thrown me for a loop. The day of my actual birthday went to crap.  I got the usual happy birthday calls, but it just wasn't enough for me. The Sunday before my birthday Tipsy took me to breakfast at a really cool restaurant in Mandeville, and she bought me a very nice cook book. I was so grateful........she always makes a big deal of my birthday.  That helped, but I still felt uneasy in my heart. It seems that I've been on a declining slope ever since my birthday.

I've been sleeping a lot lately, which is a sign of depression for me. Negative thoughts have been dancing through my head now and then, but I had  been able to shake them off. But, on the drive home from the doctor's office, I could no longer contain myself. I started to think about at my age, my health, my lack of money and my parenting skills in a bad light. Just every single thing I thought of was negative. It was like the devil himself was talking to me.  I cried it out. I prayed. I called my mama. I cried and prayed some more. Then I went home and went to sleep.

Today is a better day. I feel rested and restored. I've given some thought about my "incident" yesterday and I've come to the conclusion that some stuff just had to come out.  The reason I couldn't be pleased on my birthday is because I DON'T WANT TO BE 44!  It had nothing to do with anyone else, it was all me.

I haven't been in therapy for about two years and I don't have an opportunity to share my feelings and fears often. I've gone through a lot in the past two years......moving from Ohio, having a baby, getting married and buying a house and then moving again, then turning one year from 45. Not having that "unbiased, outside" person to talk to has left me stuffing some of my thoughts and fears. Not good.

But, in my right mind I know I am so very blessed and I have so many things to be thankful for, a great marriage, healthy happy children and a family who loves me. I just need some help putting things in perspective sometimes. So, as part of my new Take Care of Angie First Campaign, I've made an appointment with a therapist.

Like I said before , "Today is a better day."

Randomness

Steve Harvey works on my nerves. Nothing to do with the issues between him and his ex-wife, he just works on my nerves.

There should be a Barnes & Noble's in every town. I miss hanging out there.

I'm so ready to start renovating the house.

I apparently need more roughage in my diet. : (

My husband and I need to get out more (alone).

The weather here is funky, cold and wet! I like the cold, not the wet.

My son finally got his second front tooth. It came in so very slow and the other one is kind of big. One big tooth and a space is not a good look. Welcome second front tooth, you had me worried for a minute.

I wanted to marry the guy who played Shaka Zulu when I was young. *Crickets*

I'm wondering how I can get one of the "house shows" to come and re-do my house.

I think I'm gonna grow my hair out. I've been wearing it short for about 3 years now.

To Speed or Not to Speed

I've got a few hours to myself because the little man went to bed extremely early this evening, which means he'll be up in the middle of the night looking at me all crazy. But, for now I'm free!

I finally got my desk cleaned off and put my to do list and goals for the year on paper. Both are staring down on me from their perch on my bulletin board right now. I feel a sense of accomplishment just from getting them printed out and up there. My inspiration is, "And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain on tables, that he may run that reads it." Habakkuk 2:2

I am the runner. And I need to see it written plainly and run towards the vision and all that make it possible. I have to imagine myself running.....not waking, because only running relays the sense of urgency I feel about my life now. It seems like my thirties just flew by and next month I'll be turning 44. Hell, that's almost midway my life if I live to be in my late eighties (I'm hoping for 100). So, I have a lot of living to get done in this second act. I've got places to see and people to meet. I want to do and experience so many things while I'm able.

I read an article this morning about a new movement in "Slow Living." The point of slow living is to do everything on purpose and be conscious of doing it. For instance eating more slowly and enjoying the experience. Really paying attention to everything and taking it in slowly. I think that's an interesting concept. I'm surprised someone else has finally come around to my way of thinking about things. I like to pay attention to the little things and enjoy the movement of my life. I'm so thankful for everything in my life right now I can't even tell you. Many times every day I thank God for my life, my family and my friends.

Here's to slow livin'. I think I'll have a glass of wine and practice living slow.

The End of Auto Pilot

For the past year or so I've been coasting. I've been floating on whatever winds that blew through. Winds of change,physical frailty, financial lack and mental fucked-up-ness. I've used this coasting as a means of survival, and it has served me well. I've used coasting to float through situations that were to painful for me to face. I've used it as a means to transport my mind from my reality to a more pleasant place. I've got coasting down to a science.

Here's the thing about coasting, if you do it long enough you may forget how to "not coast." Now don't get me wrong - I've always done what I was "supposed" to do. Coasting never prevented me from keeping my obligations. But it has been useful to tint the hue of my rose colored glasses a little darker. I convinced myself that I was doing what I had to do to get through. And maybe that's what it was at first, but somewhere along the line it changed. At some point I stopped facing problems, or maybe I never learned how to face them properly.

Here's what auto-pilot looks like. If/when faced with a problem, uncomfortable situation, work around it. Take the path of least resistance. Work harder. Don't say "no". Suck it up. Remember you're strong enough. You are in control. Just keep plugging along and everything will be fine.

Well, as you may well know all of that is bullshit.

Sometimes it's necessary to face your situation. Take an honest look at it and at yourself. Accept that you cannot control everything all of the time. That sometimes you need help. That you are not perfect. That you are fragile. That you may fail. And that all of the aforementioned are is okay. It's not great, it's not fair, it's not pretty and it's damn hard. But it's okay.

Auto pilot off, wish me luck.

Watchoo Lookin' Fo

You know that feeling you get when you're looking for something. For instance, you misplaced your keys - and you're ready to leave the house. You search for those keys with micro-intensity. You narrow your view, honing in on places you think you may have placed your keys. First you look in the obvious places, the table near the door, the counter top, your pockets. After you don't find the keys in the obvious places you start to think of less obvious places. You check the outside of the door, maybe you never took them out of the lock. Nope not there. You retrace your steps, you look in every room you've been in. You look in the refrigerator, in the laundry room, under the beds - even though you have no memory of going near these places with your keys. You'll take'em any way you can find them at this point.

Once you have searched everywhere you think your keys could possibly be - you just stop and think. You stand still and you think to yourself,"the keys have to be in here somewhere. I used them to unlock the door when I came home!"

Right there! That sense of "where-the-fuck-is-it-ness?!?" That's the feeling I'm talking about.
That is exactly how I'm feeling right now. But, I'm not looking for my keys. I'm looking for "my real life."

Okay, I know this sounds crazy- but I'm looking for the physical manifestation of an image in my mind. The image of "my real life" is tranquil, and serene. No worries. Content. The image is of me sitting somewhere, I think I'm on a porch, or on a lawn. There's a lot of lush greenery around me. It's really pretty. But it's not the beauty of the place that makes it so appealing. It's the feeling that I have when I'm there, it's so absolutely fulfilled and peaceful, it blows my mind! I'm not thinking about bills, Mykiddo, relationships, family stuff, or health issues when I'm there. I feel totally cared for and loved when I'm there. In this image, I have the house I want,

Let me pull up a bit and give you some background on this thing. I moved away from my home in Louisiana three years ago to start a new life in a very different place. I chose Columbus Ohio. I wanted to finish school and make more money. I wanted to free myself from the obligations that go along with living near close relatives. I wanted to experience another city - to see the seasons change. On my own. And for the most part I'm doing exactly what I set out to do. I'm in school, I'm working, and I'm on my own. I'm all on my own.

But, here's the thing, I want to go home. I miss my family and my friends. I miss seeing people who look like me and sound like me. I miss the "familiarness" of home. I miss the ruckus, the festivals, the food and the smells. I even miss the dirt.

Even with all of that, I don't really want to go home. I'm just impatient because I haven't found "my real life" yet. I was looking for it when I moved here. I think I've come closer to it. But, no cigar. Not yet.

So, I'm still looking for "my real life." What are you looking for?

I'm A Frutter, He's a Frutter........Wouldn't You Like To Be........

At a certain time every month (right now) I have this incredible craving. I want to have sex! Lot's of sex. Stoopit, sweaty, monkey- love sex! The kind of sex you look back at and think, "Damn, did I really do that?" You know the kind I'm talking about? If you're not sure let me try to refresh your memory. If you've ever been driving, sitting in church, or grocery shopping and had a flash-back of an "encounter", and you literally shook. You know, jerk your back a little bit and tighten up "the muscle." You then had to shake that shit off and look around to see if anyone noticed, and smile to yourself. If you've experienced any or all of the above you know what I'm talking about.

During this craving period I experience what we shall henceforth call Frutting. The term is derived from the words freak and rutt. Freak: one who is unusually skilled or talented in a particular area, ie. sex. Rutting: an annually recurring condition or period of sexual excitement and reproductive activity in mammals. Some of you, my sister and Tipsy included, may think the term frutting sounds too animalistic. But it best describes the way I feel, like an animal.

When I'm in frutt I want to call ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, and people I would never call when I'm not in frutt. Men I wouldn't normally give the time of day to begin to look real good. The African bootleg CD salesman outside of the grocery store starts to look taller and less ashy. I scroll through my phone - looking at the prospects. Ladies and gentlemen let me tell you - the prospects are not looking very good right now. I'm not dating anyone seriously - and I'm not into casual sex. In case you're wondering my "toys" are of no help when I'm in frutt. I want the real thing!

I can't wait until I can roll over one morning and tell my husband, "Baby, you can't go to work today, I'm in frutt!" Until then, I'll continue to cross my legs a lot, take cool showers, exercise and try to stay busy with other activities to take my mind off the situation.

None of that shit works - but I try.

Ain't It The Truth

Today someone I trust to tell me the truth told me the truth about me. The truth hurts like a mutha! Especially when it's so true that you have no defense - no comeback.

First my face got hot. That's the first thing that happens when I get upset. Then I wanted to cry - but I couldn't cry because of my pride. Next I felt angry. How dare he tell me this shit - doesn't he understand why I'm like this. Doesn't he know what I've been through - that I'm this way because........ Then the embarrassment set in. The shame. Letting someone get close enough to me to see the ugly parts - and then that person acknowledging said parts. Plainly laying them out in front of me. It was like seeing magnified pictures of the parts of you body you like the least. And knowing everyone else could see them too.

This is the time I usually run. I disconnect from the truth teller. I continue on my journey seeking the person who will either not see my truth or see it and not tell it to me. Surely not show it to me.

This time can be different. If can take the truth telling. Take it for what it was, the truth. If can seperate the truth from the teller. If can seperate the truth about me from my total self-worth it can be different this time.

In order to take it for what it is I would have to accept the truth about myself. To know that it's okay. It's not the end of the world. Accept myself with all my flaws and fucked-up-ness. Accept that I am worthy of someone who loves me just the way that I am today. Flaws and all. That I don't have to be ashamed of myself - of my truth - or the truth about me.

It might be different this time. I'm trying to make it different this time.

H Two O

I dipped my toes in the water again.

The water is warm and has dark brown skin. The water is refreshing and filling. The water found my spots and flowed into them like a stream.

While my toes are in the water - it's all good.

When my lower digits are again dry and landlocked I begin to worry. Worries that come from dips in past waters and swims in rough seas.

Then I come back to myself, and remember to enjoy the dip. To concentrate on the warmth surrounding my toes and ankles.

Don't slip all the way in yet - just enjoy this water - this day.

Let Me Tell Y'all Bout Some Hard Shit

There is a saying that goes something like this, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity."

Trying not to be insane is difficult as all get out! Okay, your brain has been conditioned to take in information and respond to it in a certain way. This conditioning stems from nature or nurturing and experience. I've learned that my conditioning is faulty - and should be upgraded to a less retarded model. A positive model that would support the wondrous person I am - and am becoming. So, I've been working on it. Baby steps.......crawling.......baby steps......laid out on the floor scooting on my belly........baby steps. You get the picture.

I had just started feeling like I had the hang of it. I was up to regular steps and then it happened. BAM!!! I was faced with one of those situations where you are supposed to use the new stuff. Think, only deal with truths....blah....blah....blah. Don't listen to the old voices, just the new affirmations. Ha!!!!

I failed miserably.

I felt my self slipping, but I couldn't stop. It was like going down a water slide head first. I couldn't think straight - speak straight or be straight. So much for dealing with truths and mantras and shit. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. In fact that is exactly what I did, after crying myself into a swollen eyes and a puffy face monster.

When I woke up the the next morning the situation didn't seem as bad as the day before. I realized that I did do better than I had before - I hadn't done the best that I can and will do - but I did better than I had done before.

I plan to keep trying.

This live your "best life" shit is harder than Chinese arithmetic. But living your "bad and damn near worst life" isn't a bed of roses either. Yes, I'll keep trying.

Angie's Life - The Soundtrack Part 3

Old post I decided to finish.

The one the only Bobby Womack !

I have always been an old soul. I like older music and older men. So - Bobby Womack speaks to me. I like his swagger. He acts like he's the most handsome man in the world, even though he knows he's not. He has confidence. Women like that. We like it a lot. Not over confidence mind you - just confidence in the right dosage.

Bobby knows women - and he talks to us like he knows us. If men would take the time to get a PHD in their women everyone would be happier. But I digress. Back to Bobby. I didn't just discover him - he's been with me for a long time now. He says things that make you want to turn the lights down, drink dark liquor, and take your panties off.

Let me try to explain my fixation with Bobby Womack. I'm a Southern girl, a Pisces with daddy issues. I'm attracted to strong men. Men you know better than to get involved with, but you do it anyway. Men who spit game like Bobby's lyrics -but you don't know it's game, because he's that good or because you don't want to know. Bobby's been spitting his particular brand of game to me since I was a teenager, and I'm not tired of him yet.

In I Wish He Didn't Trust Me So Much he's talking about how he's in love with his friends wife. Not good right? But get this, he spins it! In the end it's his friends fault for trusting him too much. You gotta love that!

You're Welcome, Stop On By, is an invitation to a married or otherwise engaged woman to feel free to come on over to his place. He tells her he's there for her, however, he's getting a little tired of being "that second guy." Mind you, he's not tired enough to stop - he's just putting that out there so she thinks he wants something more. Psych!

I could go on, and on but I'll stop at my favorite. Woman's Gotta Have It He pretends to be talking to men on this one. Telling them how to get, and keep us - that we have to have it. Fir good measure he throws in, "Give her what she wants, when she wants it, where she wants it and how she wants it." Now in reality Bobby is speaking to us, to women. He's letting us know that he knows us. He knows what we need, and he can give it - when, where, and how we want it. Works for me!

So when Bobby's on, the Southern girl in me sashays her hips, the Pisces slips on the rose colored glasses, and the daddy's girl is reminded of her father.*Head nodding, sipping from glass - Sing it Bobby!

Happy Blog-Aversary To Meee!

There's one thing in particular this anniversary has made me realize. Time passes by so freakin' fast!

It's already May! How can that be? It was just January! What the hell is going on ?

When I was a little girl time seemed to pass so slowly. I couldn't wait to grow up. I wanted to be my own woman and do my own thing. Couldn't wait to be on my own. The years just seemed to crawl by, as slow as a snail. As I got older they began to speed up. My teen years went by like a slow trotting pony. I still didn't feel like that was fast enough. The pace started to pick up in my late twenties. It went by at the speed you drive in a school zone, not the 20 mph your supposed to do, but the 25-30 mph that you really do. Now that I'm forty, Lord have mercy! Time is now going by so fast - I don't even see it. It must be moving at the speed of light, or that mach speed they used to talk about on Star Trek.

There are so many things that I want to do. Places I want to go. Foods that I want to taste. Smells that I want to smell. So many things I want to share. People I want to love. Love I want to make. And so little time.

So, I need to get my hustle on. I'm going to pick 5 things I want to do by this time next year. And just do them! Do them one by one, or two at a time, but do them. Let's see now....

1. I want to go to a winery here in Ohio.
2. I want to go to New York and see a Broadway play.
3. I want to volunteer to read to kids.
4. I want to go to stay in a cabin in the mountains, near a lake.
5. I want to learn to speak Spanish.

Okay, I need you guys to keep me accountable for working on this list. Maybe you have some ideas that can contribute my getting them done. Know a place in the mountains? I'm open for suggestions and free stuff (especially the Broadway play tickets).

Seriously, I'm going to work harder to focus on the moments in my life. I'll take in the now more. Maybe that way time won't go by so fast.