Watchoo Lookin' Fo

You know that feeling you get when you're looking for something. For instance, you misplaced your keys - and you're ready to leave the house. You search for those keys with micro-intensity. You narrow your view, honing in on places you think you may have placed your keys. First you look in the obvious places, the table near the door, the counter top, your pockets. After you don't find the keys in the obvious places you start to think of less obvious places. You check the outside of the door, maybe you never took them out of the lock. Nope not there. You retrace your steps, you look in every room you've been in. You look in the refrigerator, in the laundry room, under the beds - even though you have no memory of going near these places with your keys. You'll take'em any way you can find them at this point.

Once you have searched everywhere you think your keys could possibly be - you just stop and think. You stand still and you think to yourself,"the keys have to be in here somewhere. I used them to unlock the door when I came home!"

Right there! That sense of "where-the-fuck-is-it-ness?!?" That's the feeling I'm talking about.
That is exactly how I'm feeling right now. But, I'm not looking for my keys. I'm looking for "my real life."

Okay, I know this sounds crazy- but I'm looking for the physical manifestation of an image in my mind. The image of "my real life" is tranquil, and serene. No worries. Content. The image is of me sitting somewhere, I think I'm on a porch, or on a lawn. There's a lot of lush greenery around me. It's really pretty. But it's not the beauty of the place that makes it so appealing. It's the feeling that I have when I'm there, it's so absolutely fulfilled and peaceful, it blows my mind! I'm not thinking about bills, Mykiddo, relationships, family stuff, or health issues when I'm there. I feel totally cared for and loved when I'm there. In this image, I have the house I want,

Let me pull up a bit and give you some background on this thing. I moved away from my home in Louisiana three years ago to start a new life in a very different place. I chose Columbus Ohio. I wanted to finish school and make more money. I wanted to free myself from the obligations that go along with living near close relatives. I wanted to experience another city - to see the seasons change. On my own. And for the most part I'm doing exactly what I set out to do. I'm in school, I'm working, and I'm on my own. I'm all on my own.

But, here's the thing, I want to go home. I miss my family and my friends. I miss seeing people who look like me and sound like me. I miss the "familiarness" of home. I miss the ruckus, the festivals, the food and the smells. I even miss the dirt.

Even with all of that, I don't really want to go home. I'm just impatient because I haven't found "my real life" yet. I was looking for it when I moved here. I think I've come closer to it. But, no cigar. Not yet.

So, I'm still looking for "my real life." What are you looking for?

Happy Blog-Aversary To Meee!

There's one thing in particular this anniversary has made me realize. Time passes by so freakin' fast!

It's already May! How can that be? It was just January! What the hell is going on ?

When I was a little girl time seemed to pass so slowly. I couldn't wait to grow up. I wanted to be my own woman and do my own thing. Couldn't wait to be on my own. The years just seemed to crawl by, as slow as a snail. As I got older they began to speed up. My teen years went by like a slow trotting pony. I still didn't feel like that was fast enough. The pace started to pick up in my late twenties. It went by at the speed you drive in a school zone, not the 20 mph your supposed to do, but the 25-30 mph that you really do. Now that I'm forty, Lord have mercy! Time is now going by so fast - I don't even see it. It must be moving at the speed of light, or that mach speed they used to talk about on Star Trek.

There are so many things that I want to do. Places I want to go. Foods that I want to taste. Smells that I want to smell. So many things I want to share. People I want to love. Love I want to make. And so little time.

So, I need to get my hustle on. I'm going to pick 5 things I want to do by this time next year. And just do them! Do them one by one, or two at a time, but do them. Let's see now....

1. I want to go to a winery here in Ohio.
2. I want to go to New York and see a Broadway play.
3. I want to volunteer to read to kids.
4. I want to go to stay in a cabin in the mountains, near a lake.
5. I want to learn to speak Spanish.

Okay, I need you guys to keep me accountable for working on this list. Maybe you have some ideas that can contribute my getting them done. Know a place in the mountains? I'm open for suggestions and free stuff (especially the Broadway play tickets).

Seriously, I'm going to work harder to focus on the moments in my life. I'll take in the now more. Maybe that way time won't go by so fast.