The End of Auto Pilot

For the past year or so I've been coasting. I've been floating on whatever winds that blew through. Winds of change,physical frailty, financial lack and mental fucked-up-ness. I've used this coasting as a means of survival, and it has served me well. I've used coasting to float through situations that were to painful for me to face. I've used it as a means to transport my mind from my reality to a more pleasant place. I've got coasting down to a science.

Here's the thing about coasting, if you do it long enough you may forget how to "not coast." Now don't get me wrong - I've always done what I was "supposed" to do. Coasting never prevented me from keeping my obligations. But it has been useful to tint the hue of my rose colored glasses a little darker. I convinced myself that I was doing what I had to do to get through. And maybe that's what it was at first, but somewhere along the line it changed. At some point I stopped facing problems, or maybe I never learned how to face them properly.

Here's what auto-pilot looks like. If/when faced with a problem, uncomfortable situation, work around it. Take the path of least resistance. Work harder. Don't say "no". Suck it up. Remember you're strong enough. You are in control. Just keep plugging along and everything will be fine.

Well, as you may well know all of that is bullshit.

Sometimes it's necessary to face your situation. Take an honest look at it and at yourself. Accept that you cannot control everything all of the time. That sometimes you need help. That you are not perfect. That you are fragile. That you may fail. And that all of the aforementioned are is okay. It's not great, it's not fair, it's not pretty and it's damn hard. But it's okay.

Auto pilot off, wish me luck.

Watchoo Lookin' Fo

You know that feeling you get when you're looking for something. For instance, you misplaced your keys - and you're ready to leave the house. You search for those keys with micro-intensity. You narrow your view, honing in on places you think you may have placed your keys. First you look in the obvious places, the table near the door, the counter top, your pockets. After you don't find the keys in the obvious places you start to think of less obvious places. You check the outside of the door, maybe you never took them out of the lock. Nope not there. You retrace your steps, you look in every room you've been in. You look in the refrigerator, in the laundry room, under the beds - even though you have no memory of going near these places with your keys. You'll take'em any way you can find them at this point.

Once you have searched everywhere you think your keys could possibly be - you just stop and think. You stand still and you think to yourself,"the keys have to be in here somewhere. I used them to unlock the door when I came home!"

Right there! That sense of "where-the-fuck-is-it-ness?!?" That's the feeling I'm talking about.
That is exactly how I'm feeling right now. But, I'm not looking for my keys. I'm looking for "my real life."

Okay, I know this sounds crazy- but I'm looking for the physical manifestation of an image in my mind. The image of "my real life" is tranquil, and serene. No worries. Content. The image is of me sitting somewhere, I think I'm on a porch, or on a lawn. There's a lot of lush greenery around me. It's really pretty. But it's not the beauty of the place that makes it so appealing. It's the feeling that I have when I'm there, it's so absolutely fulfilled and peaceful, it blows my mind! I'm not thinking about bills, Mykiddo, relationships, family stuff, or health issues when I'm there. I feel totally cared for and loved when I'm there. In this image, I have the house I want,

Let me pull up a bit and give you some background on this thing. I moved away from my home in Louisiana three years ago to start a new life in a very different place. I chose Columbus Ohio. I wanted to finish school and make more money. I wanted to free myself from the obligations that go along with living near close relatives. I wanted to experience another city - to see the seasons change. On my own. And for the most part I'm doing exactly what I set out to do. I'm in school, I'm working, and I'm on my own. I'm all on my own.

But, here's the thing, I want to go home. I miss my family and my friends. I miss seeing people who look like me and sound like me. I miss the "familiarness" of home. I miss the ruckus, the festivals, the food and the smells. I even miss the dirt.

Even with all of that, I don't really want to go home. I'm just impatient because I haven't found "my real life" yet. I was looking for it when I moved here. I think I've come closer to it. But, no cigar. Not yet.

So, I'm still looking for "my real life." What are you looking for?

I'm Rich Bitch!

The level of broke frustration I'm feeling right now is too intense to describe. So what do broke people do after they've done all they could do? i.e made various payment arrangements, figured out late fees and said, "well, my credit can't get much worse." We fantasize about having shit loads of money. I mean Oprah-Bill Gates-Trump kind of money. So I think about winning the lottery.

The funny thing about my money fantasies is how my family and the people around me would be effected. I'm easy, I'd just like to travel and have a few nice things. For the most part to be able to live how and where I want to would be enough for me. But here's the thing. While I'm planning an elaborate laundry room with a flat screen t.v., cable, table for folding, and refrigerator, my family and friends will have other plans. Namely, Baby Girl, My Kiddo and Spunky. They are on some serious ghetto craziness. Here are a few things they would want.

Baby Girl (said with her own mouth in response to my offer to travel the world with me) wants a "grill", yep a grill for her teeth. In fact she said she wanted a few in different colors. She said she will be unable to travel with me because she will be driving down Ames Boulevard at 10 miles per hour. When asked what she wanted to drive she said, a bad car with spinning rims, pulling a boat and jet skis. In rural Louisiana this girl wants jet skis. She cannot swim but she wants to pull around jet skis. She also want to hollow out two 60 carat diamonds and make sunglasses out of them. Imagine that sight in a car next to you at the stop light.

My Kiddo would have diamond studded head scarfs, diamond studded Bootsy Collins glasses. She too would like a grill. Designer clothes and shoes were her next request.....along with a private jet.

Spunky is a "closet ghetto girl", and agrees with Baby Girl on the purchase of grills for all. She too would like designer clothes, jewelry, shoes and her favorite a nice ride, a Mercedes SL 500 drop top , midnight blue with cream interior to be exact. Yes, she had thought about that one for a minute.

Tipsy, would travel with me extensively, but would leave when we begin to get fitted for our platinum rainbow grills. She is too prissy for that.

I would like to say I too am to prissy, but I would pose for one picture with a grill on because Baby Girl would force me (she bosses me around). Yes she would boss me with my money as well.