Say My Name, Say My Name......

Did you know that somewhere someone is calling you by a moniker that is not your own? They may even be referring to you by the clothes you wear, your hairstyle or the car you drive. Sometimes they know your real name sometimes they don’t.

One of my friend’s moved to a new neighborhood a few years ago. Her next door neighbor is fair skinned black guy with long wavy black hair that he wears in two pony tails down his back. So we named him Pocahontas…….you see the connection. We’ve even shortened it to just “Poke.” It’s gotten so bad my friend’s husband called him Poke to his face. It just slipped out, “Hey Poke, what’s up?” LOL The guy never even noticed.

In college one of my friends had a crush on a guy, but we didn’t know his name so we called him “Maxima Man” because he drove a Maxima. I don’t think we ever found out his real name because he had no interest in my friend. at. all.  Latter we found out we should’ve been calling him “Gay Maxima Man.”

There was also a really tall skinny guy who lived in the dorm next dorm. We called him “Noodle Man.” When we saw the really tall skinny girl he was dating, we dubbed her “Noodle Woman.”

Someone else I know was kind of dating a guy who was about fifteen years her senior. We referred to him as “Old Fella.” She’d say, “I went to eat bar-b-que with Old Fella last night” and we thought nothing of it.

It’s really easy to slip up and call someone by their nickname to their face. So be careful. And if someone says “Hi” to you and there’s a weird tag attached to it……you just found out your nickname.    “Hi, Perch Lips!”

My, How You've Grown

One way to see how much you've grown is to examine your past and present reaction to challenges and pain in your life. I had a growth check recently.....when someone I care deeply about hurt me.

In the past I've always reacted to hurt with stubborn indifference and prompt removal from the situation. If I had to leave the person, place or thing that I saw as the cause of my hurt or disappointment I would do it - no matter what.

The rush to removal has cost me . I've left relationships and friendships before there was sufficient cause to do so . Sometimes I've taken proactive measures and found an exit when I perceived a hurt or disappointment approaching.

I learned that pattern long ago and I practiced it every chance I got. My enthusiastic Fuc U approach has garnered many compliments from female friends and relatives. They've often said that they wished they could leave a guy and cut ties the way they'd seen me do so often. They thought it was easy. I even convinced myself it was easy. But it's not easy, it's just what I had gotten used to. It didn't take courage or confidence to jet. Leaving had become my natural reaction to fear of pain, as natural as breathing in and out.

What really takes courage is to learn a new way of reacting. A long time ago I read somewhere that everything that human beings do or don't do is motivated by fear. And if you think about it - its true in many cases. ie. I can't choose that major because it requires too much math and I'm afraid I will fail. I don't drive over the speed limit because I'm afraid of getting a ticket, jail and an insurance payment increase. I go to work on time because I m afraid of losing my job.
So, I had to ask myself what fear motivated my quick disposal of the perceived givers of hurt. The best answer I could come up with is, I was afraid of being further hurt, and having it happen over and over again and not being able to stop it. After thinking long and hard about it I realized I let people into my life who I suspected would hurt me partly because I knew I could play the whole "I don't put up with no shit, get out!" thing. Sick, I know......thank God for therapy.

At the ripe old age of 43 I've made a realization about myself. Somewhere in the last four years I learned a new kind of courage. I saw this shiny new courage in action when I was hurt by a person I love with my entire heart. Don't misunderstand me, I was still hurt. I cried and I felt sick to my stomach for two days. But I didn't revert back to my previous role as the professional Peace Out ! queen. This time I thought it through, I was honest with the person about my feelings and I was open to a solution to the problem and a salve for my hurt feelings.

When it was all over I felt great. I was so proud of myself. Listen, I'm not bragging, I've been there with Me and I know! It has not been an easy ride. I deserve to give my self an atta-girl.
It's great to look back at my progress and marvel.

This metamorphosis didn't happen over night. It took some time and I had to do the work. It all came down to my fear of living the rest of my life in Fear.

Analog Girl In A Digital World

After reading West's recent post, describing the circumstances in which he met, befriended and fell in love with his sweetie, I had an epiphany about myself.

I'm stuck in Beta and everybody else, well, everyone else is rocking DVDs. I am trapped in a dating time warp. I still view relationships the way I did when I was a young girl. You meet, you date and then you get married. Not a good outlook for dating in the 07.

I don't want to date a guy for umpteen years before we get married. I don't even want to go on a bunch of dates with someone while they figure out if they like me. This may sound crazy - but if you don't know if you like me by the 2nd or 3rd date, we have a problem. By the second date - I at least know if I don't not like your ass. At the ripe old age of 40 I know what I want. I know what I like. I know what kind of person I'd like to spend my time with. I expect the same from men who are my age. If you know what you want, how long does it take for you to figure out if a person is not it? Damn.

I know I've said it before, but I don't think dating has to be so complicated. First of all - if two people are completely honest with each other, it doesn't take long to at least figure out who you don't like. Damn.......damn it to hell! If you tell the truth about why you're dating and what you want the other person has the option to decide if they are on the same page. Hell, in the same book.

West and his girlfriend are cool with their situation. They are on the same page.....well, I haven't spoke to her personally. Ha-ha! But, if she still with him after 6 years of dating she has to know he's a slow mover and she must be okay with it. (Maybe she's the slow mover, let's be fair here.)

Me, I don't have 6 years. I'd like to be married in a couple of years. Do you know how much sex I could have with my husband in 6 years ?!? Do you know how many trips we could have gone on together?!? How many long talks and walks........and presents, he could have bought me a lot of presents in 6 years. : )

What's an analog girl to do?

I'm A Frutter, He's a Frutter........Wouldn't You Like To Be........

At a certain time every month (right now) I have this incredible craving. I want to have sex! Lot's of sex. Stoopit, sweaty, monkey- love sex! The kind of sex you look back at and think, "Damn, did I really do that?" You know the kind I'm talking about? If you're not sure let me try to refresh your memory. If you've ever been driving, sitting in church, or grocery shopping and had a flash-back of an "encounter", and you literally shook. You know, jerk your back a little bit and tighten up "the muscle." You then had to shake that shit off and look around to see if anyone noticed, and smile to yourself. If you've experienced any or all of the above you know what I'm talking about.

During this craving period I experience what we shall henceforth call Frutting. The term is derived from the words freak and rutt. Freak: one who is unusually skilled or talented in a particular area, ie. sex. Rutting: an annually recurring condition or period of sexual excitement and reproductive activity in mammals. Some of you, my sister and Tipsy included, may think the term frutting sounds too animalistic. But it best describes the way I feel, like an animal.

When I'm in frutt I want to call ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, and people I would never call when I'm not in frutt. Men I wouldn't normally give the time of day to begin to look real good. The African bootleg CD salesman outside of the grocery store starts to look taller and less ashy. I scroll through my phone - looking at the prospects. Ladies and gentlemen let me tell you - the prospects are not looking very good right now. I'm not dating anyone seriously - and I'm not into casual sex. In case you're wondering my "toys" are of no help when I'm in frutt. I want the real thing!

I can't wait until I can roll over one morning and tell my husband, "Baby, you can't go to work today, I'm in frutt!" Until then, I'll continue to cross my legs a lot, take cool showers, exercise and try to stay busy with other activities to take my mind off the situation.

None of that shit works - but I try.

Ain't It The Truth

Today someone I trust to tell me the truth told me the truth about me. The truth hurts like a mutha! Especially when it's so true that you have no defense - no comeback.

First my face got hot. That's the first thing that happens when I get upset. Then I wanted to cry - but I couldn't cry because of my pride. Next I felt angry. How dare he tell me this shit - doesn't he understand why I'm like this. Doesn't he know what I've been through - that I'm this way because........ Then the embarrassment set in. The shame. Letting someone get close enough to me to see the ugly parts - and then that person acknowledging said parts. Plainly laying them out in front of me. It was like seeing magnified pictures of the parts of you body you like the least. And knowing everyone else could see them too.

This is the time I usually run. I disconnect from the truth teller. I continue on my journey seeking the person who will either not see my truth or see it and not tell it to me. Surely not show it to me.

This time can be different. If can take the truth telling. Take it for what it was, the truth. If can seperate the truth from the teller. If can seperate the truth about me from my total self-worth it can be different this time.

In order to take it for what it is I would have to accept the truth about myself. To know that it's okay. It's not the end of the world. Accept myself with all my flaws and fucked-up-ness. Accept that I am worthy of someone who loves me just the way that I am today. Flaws and all. That I don't have to be ashamed of myself - of my truth - or the truth about me.

It might be different this time. I'm trying to make it different this time.

Remedial Cycle Breaking 101

This class is for those of us* that have put ourselves into situations that brought us pain. This class is for those of us who consciously or unconsciously re-create situations that hurt us in our childhood. We re-create those situations through relationships in our adult lives.

I’m Angie and I’ll be your classmate and teacher for Remedial Cycle Breaking 101. This quarter we will learn how to break the cycles! We will learn to value ourselves and only become involved in relationships that are healthy for us! We will stop dating the same kind of people and having the same thing happen.

Let’s begin by identifying our “re-creation pattern.”

Ask yourself, “What did I want/need in my childhood that I did not get?”

Chances are we are trying to get it over and over again in our adult relationships. For instance, if your answer to the question sounds something like this,

“I experienced some really terrible things when I was a little girl and I just wanted someone (my mother and father) to see my value and choose me. I wanted my mother to pick me over some other choices she made, pick me over her fear, choose me over her preoccupation and insecurity. I wanted my daddy to choose me over the streets, other women and the “outside kids”. I wanted him to choose me and change. I wanted to be valued and chosen.”

You probably re-create situations in your relationships in which you want the other person to see your value and choose you. To choose you over the other people they are involved with. To choose you over their fucked up character. To choose you over their own sincere needs. To choose you over their greed. To see your value and move heaven and earth to be with you.

When the relationship doesn't work out, and they never do, you feel just like you did when you were a child. You feel just like you did when you didn't get what you needed. The yearning can become addictive. You don’t know how to set up situations so that they have a different outcome – so you become addicted to that feeling.

But we can change that.

Said change is not easy or quick, but it can be done. We must learn to change our patterns - to teach our brains a new way. We must retrain our brains to respond differently to that feeling of want, to work towards getting our needs met in a different way. For instance, the person who answered the question above would begin to change her pattern by following the steps below.

When you are attracted to or are interested in someone:

1. Ask yourself if I you like them, not if they like you.

2. Don’t invest too soon.

3. Don’t sleep with them right away, no matter what.

4. If they : are dating another person or people, are “separated”,
spend lots of time away, do not communicate well,
don’t keep their word or lie, are emotionally unavailable,
are wishy washy, are negative or weak….

Walk away! Don’t talk it over. Don’t question it. Don’t think they will change. Just walk away.


That’s it for our lesson today class. Please join us for our next session entitled “Mantra’s For Cycle Breaking”





* I do it too.

I'm A Recovering Racist

This race thing is tough to tackle. Are you a racist? Are you prejudice? Are you ashamed of your race?

Do we ever answer these questions honestly and thoughtfully?

My feelings on the issue of race are varied and confused. To answer the question, am I a racist. The definition of racist is as follows; a person with a prejudiced belief that one race is superior to others. I don't think that the race of people derived from African decent (Black) are superior to other races. In theory - I don't. However, when I consider the treatment of Non-Whites by Europeans, and people of European decent (White), I conclude that there is something different and bad about a people who could, did, and continue to do such things. Which in essence makes me a racist.

That is how I view White people as a whole. Which makes me also prejudice. The definition of prejudice is, bias, a partiality that prevents objective consideration of an issue or situation. I am partial and I am biased. But, how could I not be partial and biased.

When I look at the trees and not the forest, I see something different. Something not so cut and dry. I have a co-worker with whom I'm very close. She is white. We laugh and talk all day long. We share our problems and deep secrets. We are supportive of each other and even pray together. I feel genuine concern for her and her family, and I think the feeling is reciprocated. Here's the thing. She does not think people should date interracially. Specifically, Black and white people. When I questioned her about the grounds for her thinking, she says, she was raised to believe people should marry within their own race. Her father was a blatant racist and spouted negative rhetoric about Blacks. This woman is in her 40's. She has lived long enough to learn that everything she was raised to believe is not necessarily true. When we discussed it further she went on to say she knows she is prejudiced, and she wishes she could be different.

It's very hard for me to marry the concept of my friendship with this woman and her not thinking I'm good enough to date a white man. She has even said that I'm different. I asked her how am I different? She said, "you don't talk black, and you don't act the way I expect a Black person to act." If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time you know that I am proud of who I am - and I don't pull punches because of the particular company I'm in. I laughed at her perception of me as "different." (I guess different does not mean equal.) I explained to her that "people" are different. White people are not all the same and Black people are not all the same. Then I felt very sad. That was a sad conversation to have with someone you consider a friend.

I have hope for a different kind of world. But, I think it's "a silly- just not ready to give up" hope. I'd like to see White people differently and for them to see Black people differently, I just don't expect it.

Again, race is a tough thing to tackle.

Proclamation Of Ignorance

How old where you when you realized you didn't know as much as you thought you did?

When you realized all of the self-righteous, self-important pronouncements you had made about people you know, places you've been and things you've seen - was bullshit.

When you realized you don't really know what you want, and more than half the time you do not know what the fuck you are talking about.

Count it 40 years, one month and 2 days for me.

Today is the day I make my proclamation.

I don't know shit.

There, I said it.

Sometimes I get what I thought I wanted, it's not quite right and I don't want it.

Even when I think I know what to do, I'm just winging it, because I don't really know what to do, except to do.

Just when I think I have my wispy fly-away emotions under control - I implode, and am left to take to the bed until I can do.

Around the time I think I'm okay with me, I become distracted and obsessed by my too fat top half and not fat enough bottom half.

I don't know where home is anymore - and I don't know where I want to make a new home.

I thought I could work full time and go to school full time. Half the time I'm so tired, I wish I would get hit by a bus so I could have an excuse to be off from work and school. That way I could sleep a lot and no one could judge me for be the fuck up failure who just wants to sleep.

I thought I raised My kiddo to be independent and self-sufficient and level-headed. As the time quickly approaches for her to leave for college - I fear she may forget to go to class and be enticed to join the circus.

I don't know shit!

I'm amazed that I've gotten through 40 years without knowing anything.

It's a wonder I even make it through the day.

In a way, this proclamation has liberated me. I'm not sure how - because I don't know shit. But I think it has. Well, maybe not - I don't know. Shit!

Angie's Life - The Soundtrack Part 3

Old post I decided to finish.

The one the only Bobby Womack !

I have always been an old soul. I like older music and older men. So - Bobby Womack speaks to me. I like his swagger. He acts like he's the most handsome man in the world, even though he's not. He has confidence. Women like that. We like it a lot. Not over confidence mind you - just confidence in the right dose.

Bobby knows women - and he talks to us like he knows us. If men would take the time to get a PHD in their women everyone would be happier. But I digress. Back to Bobby. I didn't just discover him - he's been with me for a long time now. He says things that make you want to turn the lights down, drink dark liquor, and take your panties off.

Let me try to explain my fixation with Bobby Womack. I'm a Southern girl, a Pisces with daddy issues. I'm attracted to strong men. Men you know better than to get involved with, but you do it anyway. Men who spit game like Bobby's lyrics -but you don't know it's game, because he's that good or because you don't want to know.

Bobby's been spitting his particular brand of game to me since I was a teenager, and I'm not tired of him yet.

In I Wish He Didn't Trust Me So Much he's talking about how he's in love with his friends wife. Not good right? But get this, he spins it! In the end it's his friends fault for trusting him too much. You gotta love that!

You're Welcome, Stop On By, is an invitation to a married or otherwise engaged woman to feel free to come on over to his place. He tells her he's there for her, however, he's getting a little tired of being "that second guy." Mind you, he's not tired enough to stop - he's just putting that out there so she thinks he wants something more. Psych!

I could go on, and on but I'll stop at my favorite. Woman's Gotta Have It He pretends to be talking to men on this one. Telling them how to get, and keep us - that we have to have it. Fir good measure he throws in, "Give her what she wants, when she wants it, where she wants it and how she wants it." Now in reality Bobby is speaking to us, to women. He's letting us know that he knows us. He knows what we need, and he can give it - when, where, and how we want it. Works for me!

So when Bobby's on the Southern girl in me sashays her hips, the Pisces slips on the rose colored glasses, and the daddy's girl is reminded of her father.

*Head nodding, sipping from glass - Sing it Bobby!

What Men Really Want...........

If you follow my directions to a "T", you are guaranteed to acquire the man your heart desires. I have done extensive research and these results are tried and true. I have spoken with both sexes, taken polls (not poles : ) ), and I've compiled the facts for your edification.

Ready? Here goes.

Men want you to lie to them. That's right boys and girls they do not want you tell the truth. Don't even whisper it! They don't want you to;

ask what you want of them. They'd rather you play games, trick and connive to get what you want from them. Ask for hundreds of dollars for pretend pregnancy terminations when you want to go shopping, or need to pay a bill. You can use this over and over. That way they can call you a "trick, or gold digger".

ask them for what you want in bed. They'd rather you fake an orgasm or just shut the hell up. God forbid you tell them what you like, unless it's the exact same shit that they like, their feelings will be hurt. You will have stepped on their manhood. Either wait until you are alone and handle your business or get "some help". I'll let you figure that one out.

tell them what you really think about their, boys, mother, or wardrobe. This one is self explanatory.

be sensible and talk a situation out. They want you to cut up and act a fool. They want you to show up at the club, break a beer bottle on the bar and hold it underneath their neck while you curse and threaten them. Now he can call you crazy. They love crazy. They keep crazy women around for ever!


NO telling the truth. Try it. Let me know how well it works for you.

Serial Dating Continued

All I can say about The Ghetto Dating Site (TGDS) is it's a very bad place. Don't go there and don't let your friends go there. The majority of the men there are looking for one thing. Yep, the kitty-kat!

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at them for looking for the kitty-kat, just be honest about it. Instead of being forthcoming about their intentions they spout all these ideals about wanting a woman who is Christian, humble, loving, family oriented, blah, blah, blah....... In reality what they really want is a sex partner, and they want it immediately. I just don't understand men. They make things much harder than they have to be. There are plenty of women who just want to have sex too. If men would state their intentions clearly and honestly they could get a lot more hassle free play from women who are looking for the same thing they are. I guess that makes too much sense. Plus men like to think they tricked you into giving it up. Silly so and so's.

Then there are the old as Moses men on the ghetto site. And guess what! They are white. Old ass white men, in their 70's, looking for younger black women. Is this some type of trend? Did I miss something? There's one very persistent one who sends me lots of messages. I don't respond because it's all too odd, and I might throw up. No, thank you Mr. Seventy Five Year Old Geezer.

Meanwhile, The Not Ghetto At All Site (TNGAAS) is not a lot better. They ask you sixty five million questions to get to know your personality type, your love type, your blood type, yada yada. So you would think their matches would be pretty good, right? Wrong! They have matched me with 3 or 4 ministers and missionaries. White ministers and missionaries. One of whom lived in some place like Peru! Give me a break! I limited my matches to 300 miles away. I live in Columbus, Ohio. I indicated I prefer tall men, at least taller than me, I'm 5'4. Why do they send me matches with men that are no taller than 5'6 ? If you've been reading this blog for a minute you know I am not the one to be following some midget missionary across Peru or any damn where else for that matter. There is something wrong with this picture. I need my money back immediately, ASAP, like right the eff now!

I did meet one gentleman worthy of my company on TGDS. I was a little leery about responding to him at first because he is an African, and I had more than a few preconceived notions about Africans. You know, do they want a green card, is this some type of scheme, will he have six wives...... He too was persistent, but unlike the old dude he kept it cool. So we chatted on line, talked on the phone and then we met. Yep. That's all I'm going to say about that for now. : )

Until next time....let the serial dating commence!

Serial Dating - You ain't gotta lie Craig !

I met him on the "almost ghetto site". His pics looked okay. Well, the one where he was oiled up and in a stripper pose was questionable but the pickin's are slim, so I gave him a chance anyway.

Let me just say, people tend to say fewer stupid things when their sole mode of communication is typing messages on-line. When they have the opportunity to speak over the telephone the stupidity seems to flow like a river. Maybe if people had time to read and edit their comments before said comments leapt off their lips - the world would be a different place.

To make a long story short - He Lied! And if you all know anything about me, you know I can not abide a liar. (Well, if you didn't know, now ya know.) He lied about his religion. ??? What the hell is that about. If you are inclined to lie about your religion there is a problem. Are you ashamed? Or are you really practicing that religion? Or are you just crazy? I'm thinking you are the latter.

The religion he denied for the length of our first two conversation is Muslim. On the third conversation when I asked him about the church he attends (he identified himself as "Christian" on his profile.) he said he should go to "so & so" classes more but he doesn't. So & so = Islamic words that I am unfamiliar with! So, I questioned him about the so & so classes. He was evasive, and did a semantic dance that pissed me straight off........so I say "Yeah, okay but are you a Muslim?". He answered in the affirmative. What the....! He said He hoped I didn't think ill of him because he didn't tell me sooner. Like it was just a small omission and not an obvious deception. No padnah! I don't think so! I tell him I am offended. He tells me this often happens, and that people have misconceptions about Muslims, and that he is not a terrorist, and that he does not sell bean pies, or wear bow ties. At this point the monkeys in my head are dancing and singing. What?!? I don't think all Muslims are terrorists, or sell bean pies. I don't even know if I care if he sells bean pies or not, as long as he can pay his bills, and I like bow ties on some men.

Him being a Muslim was not the problem. The problem was he lied about being a Christian before "admitting" to being a "practicing Orthodox Sunni Muslim". Both quotations indicate his words, not mine.

I had only one thing to say to him before his dismissal. Assalam alaikum!

Dual Dating 101

So, finals are over and I have a few weeks off before the next quarter starts. I've decided to use said two weeks to get my dating life jump started. It has been as dead as a door nail!

The first step in this endeavor has been to hit up a few on line dating sites. To say the least - it has been a trip. I've gotten responses from the looniest people on earth. I kid you not. One white gentleman is especially enamored with me, at the ripe old age of 75! Okay, I'm attracted to older men but damn! Then there are the Africans. No, real Africans, from Africa. Sir, I am not coming to Africa, nor can I offer you a "green card". (Well not for free anyway) What is going on? Then there are the guys with pictures of their chests, arms, and backs in various stupid muscle man poses. I really wish they wouldn't do that.

My on-line "hit" stats looks a little like this: 8 "jerky jerks" to 1 "might be okay guys" But I'm having fun. I like the attention.

But I digress. Here's what I need help with. In my plan to find my soulmate, or just someone I like enough to put up with and vice versa, I'm trying a new strategy. Well, it's new to me. The concept of dating a few people at once. At least 4. See, that way I won't get "caught up" on just one. I'll get to go out and have a little fun, and I won't be in any hurry cuz there's always the other 3. One of my friends suggested I push the number up to 5 and only sleep with the 5th one. He'll just be the sex guy, which will prevent me from sleeping with the other 4 too soon. It's a good plan in theory, but I don't know if I can get all of that done in a few weeks. SO. Here's what I need from you guys. Give me some of your tips on just dating. Not getting too caught up. How do guys do that shit? I was never good at it. I always start picturing my self as Mrs. So and So, on the 2nd date. I don't say it out loud - but I do think it. I need some tips on taking it light and easy.

Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. Give me what you got. Guys how do you manage not to give a shit until you are good and ready? Let me in on it - Pleeeeeze.

Mirror Mirror on the wall......is that you Jackass?

You attract what you are.
Unknown Author

So, this is to say, that you have the characteristics of those you draw to you. In my quest to learn from my past relationships, and utilize that knowledge in my new relationship(s), I did some thinking. I started with what I know I want. Here is what I came up with. (Not listed in any particular order.)

I want a man that is emotionally, physically and mentally available.

I want a man who is financially stable, and responsible.

I want a man who is smart and funny.

I want a man who is a Christian.

I want a man that is tall, dark, handsome (not cute), and a bit thick.

I want a man to love me unconditionally.

I want a man who is a hardworker.

I want a man who enjoys eating my cooking.

I want a man who enjoys traveling and reading.

I want a man who likes to snuggle, and watch television with me.

I want a man who can fix things around the house.

I want a man who is passionate.

I want a man who enjoys talking with me.

I want a man who misses me when I'm away.

I want a man who does the yard work.

I want a man who thinks I'm smart and funny.

I want a man who likes the way my skin feels and tells me so.

I want a man who does not have feet from hell.

I want a man who can't get enough of me.

I want a man who smells good.

I want a man who keeps his word.

I want a man who likes to slow dance with me.

I want a man with nice lips.

I want a man who likes to kiss and is good at it.

I want a man who is committed to me.


Now with said list of "wants" prepared, I went back and highlighted the qualities/characteristics listed that I have. Hmmmm.

If the saying, "You attract what your are." is true, I should have a man with at two thirds of the characteristics that I have. Not the jack-ass parade better known as my love life.

What the hell is the problem?

See, that is why I don't like or believe in self help books, inspirational tapes, well wishers, optimistic people, and people who generally think that if your correct your shit, someone with equally corrected shit will come along and the two of you will live happily ever after.

NONSENSE! BALDERDASH! PHOOEY! COW PUCKS! JERK BABBLE!

However, I am one of those people. So, if you know someone who fits the bill, holla at me.

Why Am I so Interested In Interracial Dating ?

In The Beginning

For as long as I can remember I have been intrigued by interracial relationships. When I was younger it was more common to see a black man with a white woman than the reverse. The only black female/white man couple I saw was on the Jeffersons, and Roxie Roker was the female component. Of course that was T.V., but it interested me. It caused me to wonder about the possibility of real life interracial relationships. I grew up in Marrero, Louisiana (acoss the river from New Orleans), and my family did not hold a positive view on interracial relationships. This was not so much a spoken rule, it was moreso implied.

My maternal grandmother was very fair and had wavy black hair. Her nose was long and straight. And I suppose as a young woman she could have "passed". However, she embraced her Black heritage fully. In a "Well, if I have to be Black, thank goodness I'm light skinned" kind of way. It was at her home that I first saw the possibility of interracial romance/relationship. I was taken by an old photograph that she kept among many on her dresser. This photo was not like the others. The person in this photo was not brown like the faces in the other frames. He was a handsome white man. I didn't understand why my grandmother would have this picture of a young white man mixed in with the others. When I questioned her about his identity she told me he was her father. "That's papa Joseph", she said. What!!!!! Your daddy was white? She said, he was half white, but his mother was light skinned too, so he looked completely white. This was unbelievable to me. My grandmother went on to explain that Papa Joseph hated the fact that his father was white, and he tried to marry the darkest woman he could find so his children would be dark. (His plan didn't work out so well, his kids were pretty light too.)

Later on my grandmother explained that Papa Joseph did not grow up with his white father, and the story was that his mother was raped by a white plantation owners son. However, the son saw that Papa Joseph and his mother were well taken care of. I always wanted to know more about their relationship. I wondered if my great-great grandfather was the product of a love affair or rape. Of course there were many instances of the latter, but that does not negate the possibility that these two people could have been in love. It was not uncommon for white men to have white families on one side of town and black families on the other side of town at that time in New Orleans. (Which is where Papa Joseph was born and raised.)


A Little Later

In high school one of my white classmates and I had a mutual crush on each other. We flirted around a bit, but we were afraid. Afraid of what our families reactions would be. Afraid of how hard it would be to go against out families wishes, and we had good reason. When I told my mother about him, she became very upset, and I remember her using a word I had never heard her use before. Despicable. I remember thinking that was funny because there was a cartoon characters who used to say, "That's despicable!" My mother was not the type of person to describe something as "despicable". Which leads me to believe that she was repeating what my grandmother may have said to her when describing what she thought were inappropriate relationships (her daughters with a white man or dark black man, but that's another story for another time). So, I didn't pursue the relationship with my white friend. But, I wondered what could have been. I remember liking him a lot more than some of the Black guys I went out with in high school. Any way, moving on.


Much Later

Moving away from New Orleans, to Columbus Ohio was at first culture shock. I seemed to be the only Black person at work, in class, at the movies.....just every damned where. But, I adjusted. I made a few close white friends at work and began to examine some of my own prejudices. I was really curious about interracial dating, and went out with the first white guy that asked me on a date. It was horrible. Not because he was white......but because he was a selfish doo-doo head. But I did take something valuable away from that date. I had a new appreciation for men as individuals, white, black and otherwise.


Today

I still have some weird fascination with interracial couples, and I'm not completely sure why. I'm in a loving and committed relationship with a Black man, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone (no matter the color). But, when I see a White mand looking lovingly into a Black woman's eyes I still wonder if Papa Joseph's daddy was in love with his mamma."

Forever ever?

Pumpkin came to town to visit this weekend. Well, actually on Thursday.....It is now Sunday evening. I'm on the sofa typing away and pumpkin is on the other side of the room (in my t.v. watching chair) watching the NBA Championship. He was "bumped" from his flight earlier this morning and won't be able to fly out until tomorrow or possibly Tuesday. Okey Doggone Dokey, I think one of the reasons Pumpkin and I get along so well is because we separated by nearly a thousand miles most of the time. Which must be the reason he does not know I sit in that chair and watch Law and Order every Sunday night damn it!

Let me be honest with you. It's not him, it's me. I'm no longer accustomed to all of this "together" time. My heart is willing, but the rest of me is resistant. My my eyes roll at him without my permission. My lips smack on their own. It's nuts because I know I'm going to miss him as soon as he's gone.

I have this residual pooh-pooh in my head from previous relationships. Mary J. Blige said it best, "I got all this baggage with me.....". For instance, I went out for a while to visit with some friends this evening and pumpkin stayed in. I was having a good time, laughing, talking and eating, when suddenly I had a horrible thought. What if he was changing my furniture around or something! Oh hell no! Let me get my purse and get home before he completely takes over my shit......Bye all ! Gotta go! This man has no interest in moving my furniture around or taking over my life for that matter. But here I am. Trying to be a couple at damn near 40 is a trip.

Isn't it amazing how even when you know you are being an absolute loon you still can't shake it? You just mosey on in "loondom" until you can do better.

I'm try trying to do better.