Sunday, January 23, 2011

.......But Gawd!

I visited a church today for the second and last time. After I went the first time I said I wasn't going back but I did anyway. I mean it this time, I'm not going back. The minister talks in this infomercial voice that I can't stand and they do a lot of "form and fashion" stuff I don't care for. When I say form and fashion, I mean, stuff for show. The "tithers" get to take their offering up to the alter, while the people who don't or can't tithe sit and watch. What part of the game is that? What, shame the non-tithers into tithing by singling them out? Hmmm, maybe some people tithe but just don't like to get up? Also, there is too much shit on their offering envelope for my nerves too. Tithe, offering, seed offering, debt free offering, and Pastor's love offering......stop it! Y'all gittin' six dollars, split it up however ya see fit.

Well, this morning I again promised myself, "No, you will not be coming here again, I don't care if you have to go to the Catholic church with Mr. Angie and do the up-and-down-on-yo-knees dance." Here's what did it, the Minister was hyping up the congregation with the ".......But Gawd!" piece. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it goes something like this, "I could have been dead sleepin' in my grave, but Gawd!" and on and on like that. The straw that broke my fat camels back was when Reverend Infomercial said, "I could be wearing my shoes on my head and my hat on my feet, but Gawd!"

If you know anything about me you know I laughed. Out loud. And my shoulders went up and down a lot while I laughed. I laughed so hard I had to take off my glasses and wipe my eyes. Yep, no more Reverend Infomercial for me. I can't laugh quiet enough for that foolishness. Your hat on your feet?! C'mon man! are doing to damn much to sound all old and religious. Your shoes on your head?  Again, C'mon man!

I used to go to church with my grandmother when I was a little girl, and there was this old deacon who would pray the longest prayer know to man every communion Sunday. He used to say all kinds of funny stuff in his prayer. My favorite was, "Thank ya Gawd for not lettin' my bed be my coolin' bowd (sounds like bode)." Even then I giggled, thinking, you have to cool off on a board when you die? Can't you just cool off wherever you die? How cool do you have to be before they can take you off the "coolin' board"?

See, I'm too silly to go to back to that church. If anyone knows of a good Baptist, Full Gospel or Non-Denominational Church in or near Slidell Louisiana, please let a sistah know. Clearly, I need Jesus. o_O

No comments: