I'm floundering in un-productivness today. I'm at my desk at work listening to Kem. Thinking. Wondering. Wanting. Kem brings that out in me, or maybe I listen to Kem when it's already out in me.
Since I intend to do absolutely no work assigned to me by "the oppressor" today, I went back and read some of my older posts. I was caught off guard by how much one of the posts described how I'm feeling now.
On, July 30, 2006, I said,
"Here's why this is a bitch. I don't think I should be poor. I fancy myself a resourceful strong woman. A woman for all seasons. One of my friends referred to me as a 'renaissance woman" the other day, and I think she is right. I can cook my ass off, I can sew, crochet, garden, and bake. I love a good Riesling and a good cigar. You can find an eclectic mix of music on rotation in my CD player, from jazz to hip hop. I like to travel and I'm open to a host of new experiences. I'm a Christian single mother who works full time and attends college. Goddamn it, I am not supposed to be poor!
I'm supposed to be living in a house in the country with a fruit and vegetable garden in the back yard. I'm supposed to drink lemonade under my favorite shade tree and contemplate world affairs. I should be journaling at my favorite coffee shop before going home to cook dinner for my husband. I should be taking guitar lessons and planning trips abroad. I'm supposed to be planning seasonal dinner parties for eight. I should be shopping, and smiling. I should be going for long walks donning a big straw hat and sunglasses."
I've wanted this kind of life since I can remember - but it's so illusive. Is it illusive or is it an illusion? I remain baffled. I wonder why I can't/don't have it? I mean really wonder, like when you wonder where you left your keys. You think real hard, hoping the answer will come to you. You try to back track to help you remember where you left them. I concentrate on this illusive life I want with that type of concentration. I backtrack, try to find different paths to it, coupons for it, short-cuts to it, maps to it, GPS it, etc........ I look at people who have it, and wonder where they were when they got it, maybe I can go there and hope lightning will strike in the same place twice.
I hate that I'm this way. I wish I didn't think the shit I think. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I didn't want the things I want. Life would be so much easier if I could get these two fish to swim in the same direction. That way I could be either sensible or ethereal, but not both. I wish I could revel in my everyday accomplishments with out thinking of the goals I haven't yet attained. I wish I didn't want love at first sight with a knight in shining armor. I wish I didn't want to be swept off my feet.
I wish I could stop wishing.