Not The New Me

I found out some good news recently. I'm the new me!

Let me explain, recently I reconnected with a friend from my past. I had been estranged from this person for about 6 years. The break in our friendship was extremely hard for me. Our relationship had become toxic, and it was killing me. I was depressed, confused, sad, tired, and numb - all at once.

Now, let me be clear.....I don't think she was trying to kill me per say. But, she was killing me, because I was letting her. It was a co-dependent relationship, based on guilt, drama, and immaturity. Because of my own issues being friends with this person was the perfect recipe for disaster. I'm a caretaker. I try to fix everything.....make nice.....keep the peace. It's just who I am. It's what I learned to do as a child to deal with a dysfunctional home. But, in my adult life my propensity to put others needs and wants before my own became my undoing.

So, I put a stop to it. Well, let me be honest - I had to put a stop to "it" because I had began planning to put a stop to myself.  I got up, got away, got help and got on with it. And that shit was hard! The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But it was worth it.

So when this old friend started exhibiting some of the same behaviours that drew me in and under in the past, I saw it for what it was. I'm not blaming her. She's a good person as people go. She just has unrealistic expectations of me - and she has no problem laying those expectations out. In the past I would try any way I could to do what was expected of me, and ignore my churning insides. I'd feel beholden to do what she asked of me because of things she'd done for me.

Well, no more. Not now. Not the new me.

I said, "No" The sun continued to shine, the Earth didn't swallow me up, hell, my stomach didn't even churn. I felt some kinda way about her asking, but more like "da hell?" than like "oh Lord, what am I gonna do."

And you know what!? She took the "No", and kept it moving. She met the new me.