Yesterday, while driving home from the doctors office, I had a major breakdown. One of those boo-hoo, tears and snot breakdowns. My eyes were left red and puffy and my nose was raw and tender. It was all I could do to just to drive home.
I didn't get any horrible news from the doctor, just a litany of tests and new appointment. I wasn't the Dr's visit on it's on that caused the breakdown. It was just the last straw. This emotional break down had been building for a while now. I think it started with my birthday last month. I have never felt old. Ever! Thirty years old, no problem. Forty years old, no problem. Forty-four years old, problem!
I even spent all of my 42nd year thinking I was 43 (long story for another time) and that didn't bother me. But, forty-four has thrown me for a loop. The day of my actual birthday went to crap. I got the usual happy birthday calls, but it just wasn't enough for me. The Sunday before my birthday Tipsy took me to breakfast at a really cool restaurant in Mandeville, and she bought me a very nice cook book. I was so grateful........she always makes a big deal of my birthday. That helped, but I still felt uneasy in my heart. It seems that I've been on a declining slope ever since my birthday.
I've been sleeping a lot lately, which is a sign of depression for me. Negative thoughts have been dancing through my head now and then, but I had been able to shake them off. But, on the drive home from the doctor's office, I could no longer contain myself. I started to think about at my age, my health, my lack of money and my parenting skills in a bad light. Just every single thing I thought of was negative. It was like the devil himself was talking to me. I cried it out. I prayed. I called my mama. I cried and prayed some more. Then I went home and went to sleep.
Today is a better day. I feel rested and restored. I've given some thought about my "incident" yesterday and I've come to the conclusion that some stuff just had to come out. The reason I couldn't be pleased on my birthday is because I DON'T WANT TO BE 44! It had nothing to do with anyone else, it was all me.
I haven't been in therapy for about two years and I don't have an opportunity to share my feelings and fears often. I've gone through a lot in the past two years......moving from Ohio, having a baby, getting married and buying a house and then moving again, then turning one year from 45. Not having that "unbiased, outside" person to talk to has left me stuffing some of my thoughts and fears. Not good.
But, in my right mind I know I am so very blessed and I have so many things to be thankful for, a great marriage, healthy happy children and a family who loves me. I just need some help putting things in perspective sometimes. So, as part of my new Take Care of Angie First Campaign, I've made an appointment with a therapist.
Like I said before , "Today is a better day."
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