Monday, January 07, 2008

The End of Auto Pilot

For the past year or so I've been coasting. I've been floating on whatever winds that blew through. Winds of change,physical frailty, financial lack and mental fucked-up-ness. I've used this coasting as a means of survival, and it has served me well. I've used coasting to float through situations that were to painful for me to face. I've used it as a means to transport my mind from my reality to a more pleasant place. I've got coasting down to a science.

Here's the thing about coasting, if you do it long enough you may forget how to "not coast." Now don't get me wrong - I've always done what I was "supposed" to do. Coasting never prevented me from keeping my obligations. But it has been useful to tint the hue of my rose colored glasses a little darker. I convinced myself that I was doing what I had to do to get through. And maybe that's what it was at first, but somewhere along the line it changed. At some point I stopped facing problems, or maybe I never learned how to face them properly.

Here's what auto-pilot looks like. If/when faced with a problem, uncomfortable situation, work around it. Take the path of least resistance. Work harder. Don't say "no". Suck it up. Remember you're strong enough. You are in control. Just keep plugging along and everything will be fine.

Well, as you may well know all of that is bullshit.

Sometimes it's necessary to face your situation. Take an honest look at it and at yourself. Accept that you cannot control everything all of the time. That sometimes you need help. That you are not perfect. That you are fragile. That you may fail. And that all of the aforementioned are is okay. It's not great, it's not fair, it's not pretty and it's damn hard. But it's okay.

Auto pilot off, wish me luck.


James Burnett said...

Yo! Happy New Year! Long time no read. Sorry. But this post was inspiring. Thanks for the energy & uplifting words!

Angie said...

Hey JB! Thanks man, umm trynna work it out. : )