Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Let Me Tell Y'all Bout Some Hard Shit

There is a saying that goes something like this, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity."

Trying not to be insane is difficult as all get out! Okay, your brain has been conditioned to take in information and respond to it in a certain way. This conditioning stems from nature or nurturing and experience. I've learned that my conditioning is faulty - and should be upgraded to a less retarded model. A positive model that would support the wondrous person I am - and am becoming. So, I've been working on it. Baby steps.......crawling.......baby steps......laid out on the floor scooting on my belly........baby steps. You get the picture.

I had just started feeling like I had the hang of it. I was up to regular steps and then it happened. BAM!!! I was faced with one of those situations where you are supposed to use the new stuff. Think, only deal with truths....blah....blah....blah. Don't listen to the old voices, just the new affirmations. Ha!!!!

I failed miserably.

I felt my self slipping, but I couldn't stop. It was like going down a water slide head first. I couldn't think straight - speak straight or be straight. So much for dealing with truths and mantras and shit. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. In fact that is exactly what I did, after crying myself into a swollen eyes and a puffy face monster.

When I woke up the the next morning the situation didn't seem as bad as the day before. I realized that I did do better than I had before - I hadn't done the best that I can and will do - but I did better than I had done before.

I plan to keep trying.

This live your "best life" shit is harder than Chinese arithmetic. But living your "bad and damn near worst life" isn't a bed of roses either. Yes, I'll keep trying.


West said...

That's a nice dose of the reality... of reality. The process and effort and consequences of self-improvement is like warring with oneself.

I think it's helpful for many of us to have reminders that there are bumps and bruises in store for us, along the way, but that these are what define the kind of person we are... and/or the kind of person we will become.

Nice post.

Angie said...

West, "The process and effort and consequences of self-improvement is like warring with oneself."

Ain't that the truth.

The thing is when warring with oneself it's hard to know which part of you is winning. I find the best method is to check for "scars and bruises" the next day. If you aren't further back than when you started - you may have won, and if you are further back than when you started - at least you lived to fight another day.

Swollen Eyes Puffy Faced Monster : )

West said...


I agree. Progress needn't be measured with a yardstick. Small victories count, too.

Reading your post reminded me of weight-lifting. You start off with a goal. Let's say you currently lift 85lbs, but you want to make it to 150-200lbs. Okay. You start with what you can do, do so many reps, then give it a rest. The next time, you try doing more reps or using more weight. You may only do one more rep. or you may only get 5-10 more pounds on the bar, but that's progress. Next time, you'll do better and better still.

The soreness you feel is a sign of the effort you're putting in, which hopefully will be proportional to the benefits you reap overall.

My point, like yours, is that baby steps are still steps that bring you that much closer to the goal. And, let's not get it twisted, we think baby-steps are cute and easy, but the truth is that they are hard as hell for the baby that's taking them. We were all that baby at some point in our lives.

And good on ya for being brave enough to take those baby steps.

Angie said...

Thanks West, you are as sweet as you are handsome. : )

Don't be skeered, I'm not trying to hit on you. Just think you are a cutie - so do some of my other readers who have seen your pic with your comments. But I told them to BACK OFF heffa's he has a woman! LOL

Mahogany Brown said...

I think you and West have put everything so eloquently and I can't add much more, but I let you in on a epiphany I had the other day. Often times, we get so wrapped up in where we want to be that we are prone to disregard or fail to recognize and respect where we are in relation to where we were. You've come a long way I am so sure. :o)