Monday, June 04, 2007

It's That Time Of Year Again

Every year around this time I begin the hunt. I search high and low for it. I ask friends if they've seen it. I check the pop magazines to see if someone has come out with a new one. I browse the net looking for one. All for naught!

I can't find it because it does not exist.

My search is for the perfect Fathers Day card for my daddy. One that doesn't sound like an out right lie. You know the ones I'm talking about......"you're the best dad"........"you were always there for me".......blah blah blah.

Last year I listed 20 Things About My Daddy. But, he and I are going through this "thing" right now......really I'm going through a "thing" with him and he doesn't know anything about it. So, I'm not even feeling like writing any kind of tribute to him. Here's the thing - I started calling him again recently because he had another stroke and I thought he was going to die. That's why I call him - because I'm afraid he will die and I won't have spoken with him in a while. But when we talk it's not about the things we should be talking about. Like real stuff. We talk about cursory stuff, how fast the kids are growing up, the weather - small talk.

Our situation needs "big talk," not small talk. However, neither one of us knows how to do it. Or maybe we're just not brave enough. After he got really ill and nearly died about three years ago he talked real talk a lot. The medication he was on made him sensitive and weepy. Yep, he would talk real talk, and cry. But not to me - he talked to my sister. He talked to her about mistakes he's made in his life - and encouraged her not to make the same mistakes.

I needed that too. My sister tried to tell him that - she knows he and I have unfinished business. He says what he always says, "She's my first child, she knows I love her." I think it was easier for him to talk to my sister. He has less to be sorry for with her.

Maybe just the thought of opening up those old wounds with me is just too scary for him. I know the thought of it scares me. That's why I stopped calling him in the first place. I was getting too close to that talk - real talk - the big talk, and I got scared. When some things are said aloud they change everything. They change the air in the room - they change the time of year and day. They bring you right back to the spot you stood on when the thing you need to talk about occurred. If you were a child at the time of the occurrence - you return to being a child when the things are said aloud. I'm really afraid of standing there again as a child - trying to talk out loud, trying to speak up for myself. I have yet to find a Father's Day card that addresses this stuff.

So, here I am as another Father's Day approaches, wishing and hoping for miracles. Praying that my daddy doesn't die - not before he addresses the little girl in me.

8 comments:

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Man Can said...

First of all...what the hell is Rodrigo talking about?!! Anyhoo. Life is short. What's the worst that could happen after the talk...he could reverse the action and not call you to talk about small stuff? I know you don't want to go back there (child era) but dammit he owes you. You deserve redemption. A broken clock is right twice a day, put the ball in his court and give him a chance to make it if not right then the very least, tolerable. You both need this and you can do it! Yes after the talk and the words are said out loud it changes everything, but you can't stop there. You have to stay focus and remain hopeful to what might happen in the future. At least you can clean some of the things out of the "basement" and make room. YOU CAN DO IT!! You have to.

West said...

I know about those kinds of cards, for sure. They can be hard to find - or at least it can feel that way as all the mushy ones keep popping up and reminding us of how we wish things were.

Best of luck with that situation. Maybe your sister can stand there with you as you initiate the kind of face-to-face "big talk" you desire and deserve.

Angie said...

Well, Man Can - apparently Rodrigo is hawking some type of personalized t-shirt. (Translated by bi-lingual co-worker)

Great advice. Do you think it would work if I use you "high pitch voice" trick? : )

West, man the mushy cards are the worst aren't they?!? When I read them, I'm like who has this dad? Damn! My shit is effed up! LOL

I'm working my way up to the "real-talk". Gotta do it alone though. : )

Mahogany Brown said...

I have to have that "real-talk" one day with my father and I am not looking forward to it. Sucks that its "neccessary" though. Oh and as for finding the appropiate card, you can do what I do and not get him one at all, say Happy Fathers Day and offer to take him to a dinner neither one of you will work hard enough to attend...ignore that. BAD ADVICE lol!!

luxhie said...

Angie...

Is there any reason you can't start with some of the choice thoughts in this post?

Some would say it might blindside him on a special day. I would say that you were probably blindsided by the expectations you had of him, the authority figure, years ago.

Open the door to what you seek as remedy, and let him take the ball.

Angie said...

Mah-Brown, maybe we can get all of them (errant fathers) in an auditorium and give them a power point presentation on "How You Fucked Up, Do Dont Deny Said Fuckery, Now Here's what we can do to Salvage what time we have left here. " Should I get the tickets printed? : P

Welcome Luxhie! I'v thought about sharing my post with him. I'm still thinking about it. : )

Luana said...

Thanks for writing this.