Every year around this time I begin the hunt. I search high and low for it. I ask friends if they've seen it. I check the pop magazines to see if someone has come out with a new one. I browse the net looking for one. All for naught!
I can't find it because it does not exist.
My search is for the perfect Fathers Day card for my daddy. One that doesn't sound like an out right lie. You know the ones I'm talking about......"you're the best dad"........"you were always there for me".......blah blah blah.
Last year I listed 20 Things About My Daddy. But, he and I are going through this "thing" right now......really I'm going through a "thing" with him and he doesn't know anything about it. So, I'm not even feeling like writing any kind of tribute to him. Here's the thing - I started calling him again recently because he had another stroke and I thought he was going to die. That's why I call him - because I'm afraid he will die and I won't have spoken with him in a while. But when we talk it's not about the things we should be talking about. Like real stuff. We talk about cursory stuff, how fast the kids are growing up, the weather - small talk.
Our situation needs "big talk," not small talk. However, neither one of us knows how to do it. Or maybe we're just not brave enough. After he got really ill and nearly died about three years ago he talked real talk a lot. The medication he was on made him sensitive and weepy. Yep, he would talk real talk, and cry. But not to me - he talked to my sister. He talked to her about mistakes he's made in his life - and encouraged her not to make the same mistakes.
I needed that too. My sister tried to tell him that - she knows he and I have unfinished business. He says what he always says, "She's my first child, she knows I love her." I think it was easier for him to talk to my sister. He has less to be sorry for with her.
Maybe just the thought of opening up those old wounds with me is just too scary for him. I know the thought of it scares me. That's why I stopped calling him in the first place. I was getting too close to that talk - real talk - the big talk, and I got scared. When some things are said aloud they change everything. They change the air in the room - they change the time of year and day. They bring you right back to the spot you stood on when the thing you need to talk about occurred. If you were a child at the time of the occurrence - you return to being a child when the things are said aloud. I'm really afraid of standing there again as a child - trying to talk out loud, trying to speak up for myself. I have yet to find a Father's Day card that addresses this stuff.
So, here I am as another Father's Day approaches, wishing and hoping for miracles. Praying that my daddy doesn't die - not before he addresses the little girl in me.