Sunday, June 24, 2007

Ain't It The Truth

Today someone I trust to tell me the truth told me the truth about me. The truth hurts like a mutha! Especially when it's so true that you have no defense - no comeback.

First my face got hot. That's the first thing that happens when I get upset. Then I wanted to cry - but I couldn't cry because of my pride. Next I felt angry. How dare he tell me this shit - doesn't he understand why I'm like this. Doesn't he know what I've been through - that I'm this way because........ Then the embarrassment set in. The shame. Letting someone get close enough to me to see the ugly parts - and then that person acknowledging said parts. Plainly laying them out in front of me. It was like seeing magnified pictures of the parts of you body you like the least. And knowing everyone else could see them too.

This is the time I usually run. I disconnect from the truth teller. I continue on my journey seeking the person who will either not see my truth or see it and not tell it to me. Surely not show it to me.

This time can be different. If can take the truth telling. Take it for what it was, the truth. If can seperate the truth from the teller. If can seperate the truth about me from my total self-worth it can be different this time.

In order to take it for what it is I would have to accept the truth about myself. To know that it's okay. It's not the end of the world. Accept myself with all my flaws and fucked-up-ness. Accept that I am worthy of someone who loves me just the way that I am today. Flaws and all. That I don't have to be ashamed of myself - of my truth - or the truth about me.

It might be different this time. I'm trying to make it different this time.


West said...

The tiniest grain of criticism frequently demolishes the shining monolith of one's self-image.

For some reason, the news of that one flaw falsely negates all the positive traits that possessed by the same individual.

Angie said...

West does that happen to you too?

FERGIE said...

We all have flaws. But remember the good parts, and if the person was speaking the truth in love, keep them close, because that is rare. The key is was it spoken in LOVE!!!

Angie said...

Hey Fergie! Welcome girl! You're right on both accounts - you should keep those who tell you the truth close, and it was spoken in love.

West said...

Angie, it happens to me, albeit rarely.

Mostly, I was speaking to the power of criticism or (perceived) negativity. Often, one negative word makes folks forget any and all positivity that preceded it.

...and now that I've phrased it like that, I realize that I'm more guilty of this than I thought.

It's the willingness to acknowledge and improve that matters the most, in my book.

Mahogany Brown said...

West is so right and I applaud you for being so self aware that you recognize your inclinations to run, get angry, lash out and all that other stuff that stops us from either accepting or correcting those flaws. Just remember that our flaws are what make us unique and that as long as there is breath in you, you can work to be a better you.

Fergie is also right. Keep the folks who love you enough to tell the truth as close to you as possible. Some people love you so much that they won't point it out for fear of hurting you and don't realize that sometimes ignorance is more detrimental than the hard truth.

luxhie said...

You've got a group of folk here who love truth, love love, love Angie (they say love's easier/when it's far away*).

*(From Barry Manilow's Two Ships that Pass in the Night)