Monday, April 02, 2007

Proclamation Of Ignorance

How old where you when you realized you didn't know as much as you thought you did?

When you realized all of the self-righteous, self-important pronouncements you had made about people you know, places you've been and things you've seen - was bullshit.

When you realized you don't really know what you want, and more than half the time you do not know what the fuck you are talking about.

Count it 40 years, one month and 2 days for me.

Today is the day I make my proclamation.

I don't know shit.

There, I said it.

Sometimes I get what I thought I wanted, it's not quite right and I don't want it.

Even when I think I know what to do, I'm just winging it, because I don't really know what to do, except to do.

Just when I think I have my wispy fly-away emotions under control - I implode, and am left to take to the bed until I can do.

Around the time I think I'm okay with me, I become distracted and obsessed by my too fat top half and not fat enough bottom half.

I don't know where home is anymore - and I don't know where I want to make a new home.

I thought I could work full time and go to school full time. Half the time I'm so tired, I wish I would get hit by a bus so I could have an excuse to be off from work and school. That way I could sleep a lot and no one could judge me for be the fuck up failure who just wants to sleep.

I thought I raised My kiddo to be independent and self-sufficient and level-headed. As the time quickly approaches for her to leave for college - I fear she may forget to go to class and be enticed to join the circus.

I don't know shit!

I'm amazed that I've gotten through 40 years without knowing anything.

It's a wonder I even make it through the day.

In a way, this proclamation has liberated me. I'm not sure how - because I don't know shit. But I think it has. Well, maybe not - I don't know. Shit!


West said...

I think your "I don't know shit!" needs an asterisk.

You know some things. You just don't know everything and what you do know gets called into question as you gain new experiences.

All that means is that you're open-minded, not too set-in-your-ways, and are still making your way through life's journeys.

I'd challenge people twenty years older (and younger) than you to be able to make that claim.

Tay Lin said...

I WILL NOT join the circus!!! Maybe a non-satanic cult(if that even exists).= )

Angie said...

West - That's a good way to look at it. I guess, I'm not sure.....I don't know, shit. : )

tay lin - you may join whatever cult you please, satinic or otherwise, as long as you do it from your college dorm and not my living room. : )