I saw this girl I know the other day. I've known her for a long time and I see her often. But this time she looked different. I know it was her but she didn't look familiar. She said some things and I said some things. Then I went on my way - hoping to see her again. But not in the unfamiliar way I had just seen her. I want to see her in the old familiar way I've gotten used to seeing her.
I miss seeing her when she was younger and she idolized me. Now, she's older and she's trying to find herself. She's trying to transform herself from the little girl who idolized me and turn herself into a young woman who can stand on her own - not in need of idols. Many years ago I read that she would eventually need to literally cut herself away from me so that she can be her own woman - and then she'll come back. As I read that I remember thinking, "Is all of that necessary? Will the cutting hurt? How will I survive that?" But over the years I forgot about the cutting way. I was lulled into the comfortable distractions of giving birth to her, teaching her to walk and talk, attending her school and church plays, clothing her, scheduling her tutoring sessions, laughing hysterically with her, chastising her, listening to her, attending her graduations, feeding her, encouraging her, and hugging and kissing her. I forgot about the cutting away.
Though the cutting time is upon me I have answers to the questions I asked so long ago.It is necessary. It does hurt. I will survive by the grace of God. Having those answers does not change the ache in the pit of my stomach or carry me through the feelings of despair and sadness.
The only thing keeping me afloat is the hope and belief that she will come back.