Thursday, September 28, 2006

Put It all On the Table

I've been doing some self-inventory of late. I'm trying to figure a few things out - and I'm having a bit of trouble. The trouble is there are too many things in my head at once. So, I need to sort them out- outside of my head. You know like when you can't find something in your purse, you take everything out and lay it on the the table. Once you've taken everything out of your purse and there's a huge messy pile on the table, you think to yourself, "Was all of that in there? How did it fit? No wonder I can't find any damn thing." Well, I'm taking some stuff out of my head and putting it on the table.

My mind is open and I'm digging around for the slips of paper that have the most consistent feelings I've had throughout my life written on them. I need to check them out because I don't know if they are consistent with what I think is on them. (I know I'm tripping, just try to follow along.) So anyway, I find them. They are dirty and balled up. The writing is faded and worn on some of them, so I have to strain to read them. There are three in all. Let me try to decipher them for you. They read,

Slip One Doubt - the state of being unsure about something, considered unlikely.

Slip Two Fear- an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific danger of pain (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight).

Slip Three Want- wish or demand the presence of; feel or have a strong desire for.

I was quite disturbed at reading these slips. I thought I had written some new stuff on them. I felt embarrassed. The people who know me wouldn't think I have this shit written in my head, that these are my most consistent cues. Aww, damn!

The definitions lend so much depth to the words but heres how they come through to me specifically.

Doubt, Fear and Want.
Doubting love in my familial and other relationships. Doubting my worth. Doubting my abilities. Doubting my "lovableness".

Fear of being alone. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of failing. Fear of succeeding. Fear of being found out. Fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being weak.

Wanting to feel. To feel without becoming unhinged. Wanting to be normal. Wanting to have peace. Wanting to not feel want.

What Else You Got In There?
I have a few more slips in my head. They mostly remind me of what I need to get. Sort of like a grocery list or a wish list if you will. Things that I've been trying to get. Ironically, they are three in number as well. These slips read,

Slip One Security- the state of being free from harm danger or injury.

Slip Two Acceptance - credence, the mental attitude that something is believable
and should be accepted as true.

Slip Three Whole - not impaired or diminished in any way; unharmed.

Security, Acceptance and Whole
I want to feel secure, safe and taken care of in the present and in the future. I want to feel secure in myself.

I want to feel accepted, by myself, by my family and my peers.

I want to be whole. I want my whole and complete self back. I want the first me back. I want to be the whole I was before I was, the whole I was when I was only in Gods mind. I want to be that whole.

So, I'm looking down at all of this stuff on the table. How can I get some of these slips in without letting the other ones in.

If it were only that simple.

1 comment:

Mandi said...

You are sooo right! If only it were that simple.