Put It all On the Table

I've been doing some self-inventory of late. I'm trying to figure a few things out - and I'm having a bit of trouble. The trouble is there are too many things in my head at once. So, I need to sort them out- outside of my head. You know like when you can't find something in your purse, you take everything out and lay it on the the table. Once you've taken everything out of your purse and there's a huge messy pile on the table, you think to yourself, "Was all of that in there? How did it fit? No wonder I can't find any damn thing." Well, I'm taking some stuff out of my head and putting it on the table.

My mind is open and I'm digging around for the slips of paper that have the most consistent feelings I've had throughout my life written on them. I need to check them out because I don't know if they are consistent with what I think is on them. (I know I'm tripping, just try to follow along.) So anyway, I find them. They are dirty and balled up. The writing is faded and worn on some of them, so I have to strain to read them. There are three in all. Let me try to decipher them for you. They read,

Slip One Doubt - the state of being unsure about something, considered unlikely.

Slip Two Fear- an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific danger of pain (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight).

Slip Three Want- wish or demand the presence of; feel or have a strong desire for.

I was quite disturbed at reading these slips. I thought I had written some new stuff on them. I felt embarrassed. The people who know me wouldn't think I have this shit written in my head, that these are my most consistent cues. Aww, damn!

The definitions lend so much depth to the words but heres how they come through to me specifically.

Doubt, Fear and Want.
Doubting love in my familial and other relationships. Doubting my worth. Doubting my abilities. Doubting my "lovableness".

Fear of being alone. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of failing. Fear of succeeding. Fear of being found out. Fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being weak.

Wanting to feel. To feel without becoming unhinged. Wanting to be normal. Wanting to have peace. Wanting to not feel want.


What Else You Got In There?
I have a few more slips in my head. They mostly remind me of what I need to get. Sort of like a grocery list or a wish list if you will. Things that I've been trying to get. Ironically, they are three in number as well. These slips read,

Slip One Security- the state of being free from harm danger or injury.

Slip Two Acceptance - credence, the mental attitude that something is believable
and should be accepted as true.

Slip Three Whole - not impaired or diminished in any way; unharmed.


Security, Acceptance and Whole
I want to feel secure, safe and taken care of in the present and in the future. I want to feel secure in myself.

I want to feel accepted, by myself, by my family and my peers.

I want to be whole. I want my whole and complete self back. I want the first me back. I want to be the whole I was before I was, the whole I was when I was only in Gods mind. I want to be that whole.


So, I'm looking down at all of this stuff on the table. How can I get some of these slips in without letting the other ones in.

If it were only that simple.

What I Learned In School Today

At the ripe old age of 39 I'm pursuing a college degree. It's been twenty years since I experienced college as teenager, and I thought things were wierd then. The world was strange and new to me then, new people new ideas......But, the world continues to be a strange place.

Here's what I learned in school today.

My instructor can have me and my classmates write our full names on a sheet of paper, stand in front of a wall holding said paper in front of us, and take our picture. Allegedly, so that he can view the pics later to learn our names. Hmmm.......

A student can bring three pounds of sliced turkey to class and eat it from plastic wrap with his fingers.

A student can attend a lecture drunk out of her skull. She can also laugh and cry loudly during said lecture.

An instructor can wrap a scarf around her neck twice, and pull on the ends strangling herself as she lectures.

An instructor can call his sister a "trifling bitch tramp" in class and it's fine.

An instructor may not be able to speak English, however he can teach a political science course and pronounce the word democratic as dem-ock-cra-tick.

Students may step out into the street in front of oncoming cars because, they are students and they have the right of way.

A student can purchase a book for $264.00, and sell it back to the book store at the end of the quarter for $3.44.

Thong underwear can be worn to class with very low cut jeans, so that the students sitting behind the wearer can gawk at the thong for the duration of the class.

Only two college students have proper shoes, the rest will be wearing flip flops.

When you fail a class you get an "E".


I have a daughter going off to college next year. I wish I didn't know what I know about college.

Joy Snatcher

I want to laugh. No, I need to laugh. I've been feeling really sad lately. It's funny the things your mind whispers to you when you're sad. While trying to write this post my Sad Depressed Mind (SDM) said to me in a low quiet voice, "Have you ever felt joy?", and then it answered itself, "Nope, I don't think I ever have." So I go on typing and the shit I wrote was getting sadder and sadder. Whine, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah.................

So I erase that sad shit and say to my SDM, "What!? Yes you have felt joy, you idiot!" I went on to add, "Why are you saying that shit? I know I've felt some damn joy, maybe your crazy ass ain't felt no joy! Look, don't start that shit up in here. You trying to drive me fucking crazy! Talking about you ain't felt no joy! I can't stand your ass!

I felt joy at Tipsy's wedding. I felt joy when I slept in my new king size bed. I feel joy every Monday when I get to eat free pastries left over from the doctors meeting. I felt joy when I told Mykiddo the story of her birthdate (she turned 17 yesterday, made 17 for those of you from New Orleans). I felt joy when my nephew told me he wrote me a letter. I feel joy every time I eat Graters ice cream. I feel joy when I read a good erotic story or watch some good porn. I feel joy when I take a nap. I feel joy when I'm off from work (and I don't have to work on the weekend to make it up). I feel joy when my plants are doing well. Hell! I feel joy all the time!

My SDM be trippin'. Always trying to bring me down.