A Man Must Have Come Up With This Shit!

Warning: If you are sensitive to the subject of menstruation, periods, "auntie flo", lady time, or "monthly" get your punk ass out now! Ya mama had to have one to have your weak ass. Just leave I can't stand to look at your softy-soft ass.

With that said, have you ever read something and thought to yourself, "A man must have come up with this shit! Well, I'm having a moment like that. I found these in a popular health magazine. The following are sugesstions to relieve menstrual side effects;

1. Increase exercise
2. Avoid red meat, *chocolate, caffeine, refined sugar, *alcohol, milk and fatty foods.
3. Meditate
4. Get a massage.
5. Have an orgasm (alone or with a partner)
6. Breath deeply, relax.

For my male readers, here's a list of symptoms the tortuous monster that visits women and girls every 28 or so days;

1. Backache
2. Nausea
3. Leg pain
4. Diarrhea
5. Constipation
6. Migraine headache
7. Breast tenderness
8. Sensitivity to cold temperatures
9. Moderate to severe cramping, and
10. Irritability

I'm sure I'm leaving some out. Buth that'll do for now. Ya'll (men) don't give a shit anyway. You probably stopped reading after the second one. (I digress, my concentration is off cuz I have cramps!)

Any, after reading the second list wouldn't you agree only a man would give the advice listed in the first list? I mean really! Nobody knows a cure for this shit or trust me we would buy it, steal it, put it on lay-away, whatever..... Have an orgasm? Who in hell wants someone humping on them when they're bloated and their ass hurts, stomach, breasts hurt? No damned body! In fact if men knew the things we think of doing to them they would leave town for a couple of days and let it pass. The increased hormone levels coursing through our bodies gives us a false sense of security. We begin to think we can kill you without leaving any forensic evidence. Fuck the CSI, he had to die! We envision you in the casket........and we think, "That's good for his ass, he should have left me alone, stupid bastard."

Now do you think a massage can cure this shit. I think not. I need a piece of *chocolate and a drink.

Today's Post Is Rated X

I'm having a not so happy week. I won't bore youwith the depressing details. Just imagine six things in your life that could go horrible wrong at once. Now multiply that by two. Now you're starting to feel me.

I like to curse. My favorite curse word is "motherfucka", but that will not do for today. Today I just want to yell FUCK!!!!! It's the only word that describes my sense of utter Ughh! Not just one little yell, but the kind of yell you see on cartoons. The kind that causes birds to stop singing, sheep hearders in Africa to look up at the sky shading their faces from the sun with their hands, small children in school rooms cover their ears and begin to cry, old Christians wonder aloud if "the rapture" is upon them, the teller at my bank becomes dazed and removes the NSF fees from my account and mistakenly deposits 5 million dollars in my account, and my ex-husband to drive into a ditch (I don't want him to die, a big cut on his forehead will do just fine.)

I often sit on my patio and watch the ducks play in the pond behind my apartment building. However, today, I am thinking of joining the ducks. But I will have an anvil tied around my neck. With my luck the pond is only two feet deep, and I'll end up a muddy blubbering mess with duck shit in my hair. Plus, I have no idea earthly idea where to get an anvil.

Say it with me, Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They Grow Up So Fast

Yesterday I had a scare at the airport. I was there to pick up MyKiddo. So, I'm standing outside the gate waiting. I'm on my cell phone and I'm trying to position myself so that she will see me as soon as she turns the corner. So I wait a few minutes......no MyKiddo. Suddenly this young woman comes up to me from behind. She resembles MyKiddo but she is "grown up", fingernails done, hair done, looking all pulled together in a casual "I'm a damn college student way". Lord have mercy! So I say to her, in disbelief, "Who do you think you are?" (after hugs and kisses) She just laughed because she knew exactly what I meant.

Let me explain. I am having a hard time accepting that my daughter is going to graduate from high school next year. I keep telling her she's in the 7th grade, and I don't want to hear anything different. Now, I'm the mom that started taking this kid to college fairs when she was in the 8th grade. I have made it clear that not only will she go to college, she will go away to college. "Be independent. Live your life. You will be on your own soon. Blah Blah Blah." I have always told her she would be on her own after college and how I didn't want her to come back home. Get your own apartment.....house.....car......state.....etc. Now that the hour is swiftly approaching I'm working my way up to a nervous breakdown. I feel like this time has flown. She grew up so fast. What If I didn't teach her some important thing, what if she doesn't do well. What if she's lonely. What if she goes away and stays away. What if she makes some of the same mistakes I've made. What if she kills someone and goes to jail. What if she gives all of her money away to a homeless person with a sad story. I know it's crazy but I think of these things.

MyKiddo is a well adjusted child. She's smart and even tempered (despite me being the hot head that I am). She will be fine. And she knows her mother. So she knows, "Who do you think you are?" really means, "Do you think you are grown, and you can make it without me? Well sure you can, I taught you to do just that. But, please don't leave me!" I thought only children experience separation anxiety. I'm thinking of following her out of state to college, or feigning some illness that will require her to stay home to take care of me. I know, I need prayer. You people with children, y'all feel me?

Can You See Me?!?

Lawd have mercy, I miss the men in New Orleans! There is a totally different breed of man in the south. They swagger, they usually smell good. And they generally have an "air' about them. Like my grandmother used to say, "I like the way they carry themselves." I can spot a southern man anywhere. He may not even have to speak, I can just see it all over them. There's just something about them. Southern men really seem to like women. They have a free and easy way with women. Charming us without even trying. If you are even half-way decent looking you will get "Hey pretty", "Hey red!", and "How you doing fine?" These uplifting call outs take place at the grocery store, the gas station and at restaurants. Just every damned where!

Now on the other hand, here in Ohio the story is quite different. No one looks at you. No one! They don't even look to see what's happening in the cars next to them at the stop light. In new Orleans the stop light is a chance to check out the peeps in the next car. Give 'em a smile or a wink and drive a way happy. Maybe even bounce your head to the music bumping in the lane next to yours. My hair could be on fire and I would not get the least bit of attention here. Cutting off someone in traffic here doesn't even warrant a look. Eyes straight ahead, please!

I'm tempted to to pop a breast out in the parking lot of the supermarket just to see what happens. With my luck I would be arrested immediately and sent to prison for the next 48 years, so the boob popping is out. But, I'm just saying, can a sister get some "act right" up north?

Happy Fathers Day!

Father's Day is always weird for me. I teeter back and forward between buying a card for my daddy or not. I'm from the South and we call I father's "daddy". Anyway, I'd like to buy him a card but it's difficult. It's hard to buy a card for him because of the type of daddy he has been and is now. The mushy, "Your the best dad ever!" cards don't suit him. The religious cards about the role of the father don't suit him either. That's just not the type of father he's been.

I know what, let me list 20 things I remember about my daddy growing up and you'll see what I mean.

20 Things About My Daddy

1. He dresses very well.
2. He did not like to work. He did it at times, but he did not like to do it.
3. He has smoked weed since my earliest memories until this very day. It was a common occurrence in our home. He's probably smoking weed right now.
4. He has hypertension, and has had two strokes.
5. He is handsome, and he knows it.
6. I adored him and thought he had super human powers until I was about 5.
7. He does not take shit from anyone.
8. He cheated on my mom, and had I'm not sure how many children with other women.
9. He taught me to drive, and was very patient with me.
10. He and my mom finally divorced when I was 18.
11. He always encouraged me and told me I was smart and pretty.
12. He never cursed around me.
13. He married a woman he was seeing while he was still with my mom. They are still together.
14. He taught me how to dress like a young lady when I was about 13 years old.
15. He knows a lot about women.
16. His favorite food is red beans and rice.
17. He had an aneurysm burst in his abdomen two years ago, and he nearly died.
18. He loves me and my sister very much.
19. He's much more introspective and thoughtful now that he's older.
20. He sorry for lot's of the mistakes he made in the past.

After reading the above list I'm sure you can see how it would be hard to choose a Fathers Day card for this dude. I do love him dearly don't get me wrong. But like him, I don't take shit either and I feel like it would be disingenuous for me to send him a card spouting all kinds of wishy-washy bullshit. So, I opt for a phone call. I tell him happy father's day. And I'm sincere.

After all, I haven't found a card that says, "You were a shitty father a while back, but you're better now, although I'm fucked up and scarred for life from it, Happy Father's Day, you bastard. I love you." If you see a card with those particular sentiments let me know.

Dookie Shot

Okay this is how you know what a punk I am for my nephew. We'll call him Trey-J (He has three names beginning with the letter J). There are only four grandchildren in our immediate family and he is the only boy. He is 4 years old and I would do anything for him. I just love me some him. He, on th other hand only talks to me when he feels like it, or wants something. My sister emailed me some pictures she'd shot of the kids. So I'm going through them while we are on the phone. She says to me, "Do you see anything odd yet?" I say, "No not yet".......then I get to it. It looks like some kind of odd thing in water. I say what is this? It looks like pooh...... It was pooh. And I was happy to see it.

Let me explain. The other day my sister and I were talking on the phone and she was amazed by the size of Trey-J's poop. (He's very skinny, where does it all fit ?) She said she should take a picture of it. I didn't think much of it. But upon seeing it I have to tell you it was huge! And it made me feel like I was home. Close enough to share in the pooh-pooh adventures of my Trey-J. I have to tell you I'm not interested in viewing anyone else's shit. So don't send me any turd shots.

Forever ever?

Pumpkin came to town to visit this weekend. Well, actually on Thursday.....It is now Sunday evening. I'm on the sofa typing away and pumpkin is on the other side of the room (in my t.v. watching chair) watching the NBA Championship. He was "bumped" from his flight earlier this morning and won't be able to fly out until tomorrow or possibly Tuesday. Okey Doggone Dokey, I think one of the reasons Pumpkin and I get along so well is because we separated by nearly a thousand miles most of the time. Which must be the reason he does not know I sit in that chair and watch Law and Order every Sunday night damn it!

Let me be honest with you. It's not him, it's me. I'm no longer accustomed to all of this "together" time. My heart is willing, but the rest of me is resistant. My my eyes roll at him without my permission. My lips smack on their own. It's nuts because I know I'm going to miss him as soon as he's gone.

I have this residual pooh-pooh in my head from previous relationships. Mary J. Blige said it best, "I got all this baggage with me.....". For instance, I went out for a while to visit with some friends this evening and pumpkin stayed in. I was having a good time, laughing, talking and eating, when suddenly I had a horrible thought. What if he was changing my furniture around or something! Oh hell no! Let me get my purse and get home before he completely takes over my shit......Bye all ! Gotta go! This man has no interest in moving my furniture around or taking over my life for that matter. But here I am. Trying to be a couple at damn near 40 is a trip.

Isn't it amazing how even when you know you are being an absolute loon you still can't shake it? You just mosey on in "loondom" until you can do better.

I'm try trying to do better.

100 Things About Me

1. I'm 5'4
2. I'm 39 years old.
3. I like to crochet (can't do it until my wrist heals).
4. I love to cook, and I'm pretty good at it if I do say so myself.
5. I have a sixteen year old daughter.
6. I'm a Pisces, February 28.
7. My favorite pass time is napping. You can never have too many naps.
8. I'm working towards a degree in Social Work.
9. I love almost anything by Bobby Womack.
10. My favorite thing to eat in the whole world is seafood (catfish, shrimp, crawfish.........).
11. I can sew. (I haven't done it in a while though)
12. I like to sit outside for hours and watch the ducks play around in a pond near my apartment.
13. I have hypertension.
14. I wear contact lenses.
15. I like the Sopranos.
16. I don't have cable so I cannot watch the Sopranos.
17. I do not like to go to work.
18. I love the smell of gasoline.
19. I like fresh have vases of fresh cut flowers around my apartment.
20. I'm a Democrat.
21. I was on the dance team in high school. Our name was The Starlights. So corny.
22. I frequently get terrible headaches.
23. I saw snow for the first time when I was 37.
24. I don't like extremely warm weather.
25. I like to eat Raisinettes and popcorn together while watching movies.
26. I will not share dairy products with any one. Those little white milk streaks on the spoon make me nauseas.
27. I do not exercise as often as I should.
28. I have a Boston Terrier. Well I had one, my mother and My Kiddo have taken him away from me.
29. My dad and his wife lost everything as a result of hurricane Katrina.
30. I love getting pedicures.
31. I owned and operated a coffee shop when I lived in New Orleans.
32. I'm shy.
33. I love to hear recordings of Bob Marley speaking. I just love the sound of his voice.
34. I can't skate.
35. I bruise easily.
36. I like to curse, but I'm trying to stop.
37. I have a very weak stomach.
38. I'm a carbohydrate junkie.
39. I only like sweet wine.
40. I used to have really pretty legs. Now they are just pretty, not "really" pretty.
41. I hate math, consequently I recieved bad grades in anything relating to math, and still do.
42. My favorite job was catering.
43. My favorite birthday was when I turned 30.
44. I have one tattoo.
45. I believe in love at first sight.
46. My sister says I have a "Fred Sanford drawer filled with rose colored glasses."
47. My first dog was a German Shepheard named Buck.
48. Coffee makes my head hurt.
49. I don't like to vacuum.
50. I want another dog. A little one. Small dog, small shit.
51. I'm afraid of spiders.
52. I want to lose 50 pounds.
53. I worry about my mother dying.
54. My lips and eyes are my best assets.
55. When and if I turn 40 I'll get another tattoo. This time on my right foot.
56. I want to go to a strip club.
57. I prefer showers to baths, but I happen to take baths more than I shower.
58. I'm a peacemaker. (Translation, I hate conflict)
59. I love almost any kind of dessert.
60. I have a green thumb. Although my plants at work do better than my plants at home.
61. My favorite color is green.....but I like ecru too.
62. I like Earl Grey tea.
63. I love sheets with high thread counts.
64. I love to wear open toed shoes.
65. June is my favorite month.
66. I do not eat chitterlings, or as we say in N'awlins, chitlins.
67. I sleep in the nude most nights.
68. My daughter is an honor student. (She gets better grades than me!)
69. I won't get on the rides at amusement parks. That's just asking to die.
70. I have a birth mark underneath my chin.
71. I listen to NPR everyday.
72. I don't like the beach. (Too hot, and I don't like the way sand feels underneath my feet.)
73. My feet are always cold, especially at night, so I wear multiple socks to bed.
74. My favorite candy is M&M's with or without peanuts.
75. I'm not very good at remembering names.
76. I've recently started doing pilates.
77. I loved to read as a child.
78. My mother likes to scare little children.
79. I have had 8 cars in 21 years.
80. My feet are flat.
81. I sucked my thumb until I was 4 years old.
82. I'm worried about my family, it's hurricane season again and they are just recovering from Katrina last year.
83. I have one sister.
84. All of my grandparents are deceased.
85. I've been wanting to eat figs lately, but I can't find them anywhere.
86. I love Easton Mall in Columbus Ohio.
87. I like Earl Gray tea, with 4 sugars.
88. I like to wear cotton t-shirts around the house.
89. I have 4 pairs of slippers, but I can never find them, and end up walking barefoot.
90. I'm good at spelling.
91. I have two nephews and one niece.
92. I want to go to the Pocono's.
93. I was the only child until I was 8 years old.
94. My last name is the same as the city in which I grew up.
95. J. California Cooper is my favorite writer.
96. When I was three years old my father was shot (flesh wound, he was fine), my reaction to this was to scold him for "being in the streets".
97. I moved away from the only home I've known for almost three years ago, and I still miss it.
98. I want to be several things when I grow up. A writer, world traveler, chef and a stipper. (not necessarily in that order)
99. My birthstone is amethyst.
100. I'm fascinated by interracial relationships.

To Clown Or Not To Clown

What do you want to be when you grow up?

My mother says I once told her I wanted to be a clown. I do not remember that and I deny it vehemently when she recounts it at family gatherings. However, I am so silly I may have made a good clown.

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about the crazy stuff I talk about with my friends and family. There are certain people in my life that really bring out the silly in me.

My Kiddo and I are very silly together, we share the same sense of humor. We rib on each other and use silly voices. I'm proud to say I make her laugh like no one else. Baby Girl and I laugh at ourselves and our children, mostly her children. And we giggle at the silliest things, even at our grandfathers funeral. She doesn't laugh real hard often, but I love to hear it when she does.

Tipsy and I laugh at people we shouldn't laugh at and at inappropriate times. I know that's bad but it's fun. Spunky and I laugh at each other. She laughs at my New Orleanian speech and I laugh at her being the nosiest person I have ever met in my entire life. She also makes everything into a song and includes dance movements. I love it. I look forward to it. I even chime in.

In my relationship with Tipsy I am not allowed to sing. But on occasion I slip a note or two in....LOL There is someone else I laugh hysterically with. My cousin, I'll call her Tiny. She's a pretty little petite thing with a low scratchy voice and a huge personality. She and her family relocated to Houston Texas after hurricane Katrina. When we talk on the phone my face literally hurts from laughing. We make fun of everyone. We do impressions of people (dead and alive), we don't discriminate. We laugh at our lives and our children.

Maybe I did tell my mom I wanted to be a clown.